Still unwritten.

Get ready for another loooong post. I just need to release these thoughts. The usual therapeutic effect of blogging. Bwahaha.


You know what? I'm going to start planning my life. As in written plans.

A few months ago, I stumbled into a concept called the "uncalculated" life. A life composed of randomness, excitement, opportunities and risks. The exact opposite of my very calculated life. People know me as the overthinker. I'm always very conscious of what people think of me. I don't like making unsafe choices. It doesn't mean that I'm a boring person, but I've always preferred the safer side over the edgier choices.

I think the concept of the uncalculated life came from a movie. Suddenly I decided to be more relaxed... to let the wind blow me to wherever. Take more risks. Be more random about life.

Maybe I just became too random. As the lovely song from All Time Low says, "too much of anything is too much". Maybe I've forgotten to establish a compromise from the two perspectives.

As much as I love the randomness and the spontaneity of my life events, it's tiring and sometimes frustrating not to have any security in life. And people tend to take you less seriously (which I'm beginning to really really hate now). Maybe it's time to grow up a little bit more. I know, I'm still young and I should have the time of my life. It's just that sometimes, I want something more concrete? Something I could lean on to?

Don't take this the wrong way. I'm just going to make plans, and try to fulfill them. For example, what career path I'm headed. I can't say yes to every job offer, and I can't stay at my comfort zone forever. I think it'll be refreshing to finally pursue something that I can build a career on? Another thing, investments. I'm living on my own now. People think that it's just a random move, but it's not. So many responsibilities have been added on my list since I moved in. I have to pay rent, clean, do groceries, pay utilities, laundry, and start on making that little house our home. It's a major investment, my dear.

As hard as it seems, I think it's going to be a major achievement if I do get to transform that house into a comfortable living space for me and my housemates. And I'm excited. It seems like a small step, but believe me, it's a major step towards my independence.

Not that I'm rushing or anything. But I'm working after all.

Anyway, aside from the house, I have to take my job more seriously. Yes, I love my job. I love the staff. I love being at the station. But most of the time, I ALSO have to remind myself that this isn't RC work anymore. I'm not just playing around. I have actual responsibilities in a functioning and growing radio station. And whatever I'm doing now, this is ground work for whatever other job I'll end up in. Diba?:)

Another thing, I have to stop playing with my own feelings. Yes, you read it right. Last year, I told myself that I'm going to be more open to possibilities, stop being manhid, be more sensitive, allow myself to feel, ALL THE CHEESY STUFF... thus, I started wearing my heart on my sleeve. Grabe, what a ride. I have experienced lots of ups, but lots of downs as well. Now I'm thinking if I made the right decision.:/ Maybe I should've been a little wiser, not letting small things affect me. It was easier back when I didn't really care about these things. Now that I've start caring about these issues, I've become more emotional and more vulnerable to the little things. And I'm not used to this side of me.

I HAVE TO FIND THAT COMPROMISE.



Or maybe I lack prayer? I admit, I have been distant lately to Him, trying to do things on my own. Yes, I know that's a very big mistake and a very foolish thing to do. I just feel that I'm not worthy sometimes. Again, I've been involved in too many Bible studies, cell groups, small groups, DGs, etc to know that it is by His grace and not our actions that we receive blessings. I know He has blessed me with so much and He has never let me go. It just sucks that I know all of these things yet I don't apply it in real life. It's shameful.

I have to get back on track. And I have to find my way soon. I just don't like this feeling of being in a limbo.

How I pray that this is just a test. Maybe God is just teaching me a lesson. Maybe He's just showing that I should cling on Him, rather than expect so much from myself? We're not that strong after all, but His strength is immeasurable.

Oh, life is hard. Exciting but hard. Good thing that I have a good support system. And of course, I have God to bring me through. Thank God that He has given me this positive perspective in life. I may have my own issues, but I'm in a waaaay better situation compared to everybody else, don't you think?:))

I'd like to think of life as a story with many chronicles. I'm still standing on the first chapter of another chronicle. Very far from the end. But at least I'm moving forward.

Hahaha. Hold on, Bianca! And hold tight. But also know when to let go.;)

Time machine.

Nights like this take me back to high school... back when I was nobody.

Yes, I was on top of the class. Glee club member. School paper EIC. Member of the cheering squad. Yet all these labels meant nothing. Still means nothing to me now. Yeah, it brought me pride. Boosted my ego much. But at the end of the day, it feels nothing. People remember me attached to these labels. And it just saddens me that they don't remember me as Bianca. It's as if I never made an impact to anyone. Or maybe I never did?

It's just.. when I look back? It's blank. I hopped from one barkada to the next because I didn't want to be tied down. I hated stereotypes. Well, that's the same concept if you're asking why I was involved in so many extra curricular activities (except sports because I wasn't really skilled in that aspect). I didn't want to be the smart girl. I wanted everyone to like me.

My impossible goal. Hahaha.

So the moment I stepped into college, I promised myself that things would be different. I tried to strengthen my personality. Met new people. Became a better Bianca in all aspects. Maybe that's why I'm not as attached to my LB friends compared to my college friends? It's because I literally left them, and then created a new version of me. So I can't blame them.

Well, hindi naman ibig sabihin nun ay hindi ako ganito dati. Of course, the same elements are there. It's the same me, deep inside. Haha.

It just sucks that sometimes situations still pull me back into the days of being a nobody. When I feel that nobody considers me as someone important enough. When nobody cares about my opinion, because it's JUST my opinion. When I'm pushed aside because other people are more important. When people take for granted the "kindness" you try to show them because they know you won't fight back.

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na minsan, hindi ka pa rin talaga nakakawala sa nakaraan.

Most definitely, maybe.

This is the point where I ask, "Am I on the right track?"

Because I really don't know. Am I meant to be here? Am I making the right decision by moving out? Will stopping myself from falling for this guy make things easier? Until when should I stay in my comfort zone? Is there something else for me outside? Am I doing the right things?

Walang assurance eh. Yeah, there's that temporary satisfaction, a pleasant feeling deep down inside. Pero yun nga, temporary lang. It's like I can go living like this for a very long time, but not find myself settled.

Maybe that's what I want to achieve. I want to be settled. Settled into a secure job. Settled in a good house I can call home. Settled in a secure relationship. Settled in my capabilities.

Yeah yeah yeah... I know I'm only 20 and maybe I'm trying to rush things. Some people haven't even graduated yet. So should I just consider myself blessed to be in a place like where I am now?

Maybe.

There's like that.

I wonder what it is to be like you?

Your life seems so perfect and so fun. You're surrounded by people who admire and love you. You can do whatever you want, just shrugging off the judgmental looks of others who just want to ruin you.

To be able to express your love freely. To be able to be with the one you love despite all the questions posed by others. To be able to pursue your dreams, travel to different countries, make people happy, be a role model, and meet awesome people. YOU ALREADY.

You're able to influence a lot people not just through your advocacies but in the way you live your life as well.

Sometimes I wish I could be like you, even just for a day.

Claiming Isaiah 40:28-31!

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. For some reason, I could not go back to sleep. So I played Sims instead. Hahaha. Mali.

Anyway, so as usual, I started thinking about things. You know, the little things that make my life "exciting"--NOT.

I realized that I don't care about a certain person anymore. At least not in that way anymore. Yeah I know, you've read this statement prolly a hundred times in this blog, but it's real this time around.

I guess I was just confused. Gusto kong bumalik sa dati kong posisyon sa buhay niya, pero obviously, hindi na pwede mangyari yun. Little by little I'm learning to understand and accept that fact. Ganun naman sa buhay eh, pakonti-konti lang. I'm still affected whenever he doesn't acknowledge me/my presence, but hey, that's life. Hindi tayo forever nasa spotlight. I had my time, but I wasn't able to make the most out of it. So kebs na. Carry on.

I still hate him sometimes though. Mwahaha.

I love what I'm doing. I like my job. I love the people here. It's almost been 4 months since I started working here. Kaso sometimes, parang nakukulangan ako sa ginagawa ko. I don't know if I'm not doing my best, or sadyang ganun lang talaga yung nature ng work ko. Pag busy, super busy talaga. Pero pag chill time, sobrang wala namang ginagawa. I'm trying to explore part time jobs. Kahit nga di ako bayaran eh, just for additional experience. There's just this discontented feeling na hindi ko malaman kung ano ang pinagmulan.

Feelings-wise? Hindi na mabigat yung pakiramdam ko. Na-break na yung ice eh. However, hindi pa rin okay ang lahat. I think may miscommunication na nagaganap sa pagitan namin. Magkaiba siguro ang pagkakaintindi namin sa mga bagay-bagay. Hopefully the "rift" will end soon. I'm tired of not having friends around. Haha. I miss them badly.

Well there's always the positive side: wala masyadong gimik, so wala din masyadong gastos! LOL

Okay lang yun, I'm preparing my wallet and my bank account naman for the upcoming expenses when I move to my new house with Joy, Jem and Carms. Maybe you'll start reading more about them as the year progresses. Malamang, sila makakasama ko sa new house eh.:))

Weytaminet. I haven't told you bout the new house, have I? Well, I'm moving out soon. I'll be trying to live on my own.. with friends, rather. Siguro I'll share details na lang (and prolly a few pictures) when I actually move in.:))

I have so many things to look forward to this month. I want to go to UP Friday Night Lights this Friday pero wala pa akong nahahanap na kasama.:( Parang ang sad naman kung mag-isa ako manonood ng fireworks display diba? Haha. Self-pity!!! Then I have my get-together this Saturday with my elementary and high school batchmates! But I'm more excited to see Jers! Excited lang ako makipagdaldalan hehehe.

There's the CMMA next week. My KBP Accreditation exam on the 24th. And then my DFA appointment (Finally, passport yehey!) on the 27th.

The days are going on too fast to the point na nakaka-overwhelm na yung bilis. I wish I can keep up. Well, I'm able to keep up naman most of the time. Matindi lang ang effect tuwing naiiwan ako. Hehe. Eww, self-pity another!

Keep on fighting, Biancs! Look forward to the good stuff. Good things are yet to come. Sabi nga nila, you won't see the good side if you have no bad side to compare it to. ;)

Defocusing/refocusing

I wonder how it is to feel really okay?

To feel settled.

To be secure.

To be loved.

To be content.

Well, I could settle for okay. Haha. I don't know. I just long for peace of mind and heart. Yung wala nang issues like this? Nakakapagod isipin at nakakapagod din sa damdamin eh. I know I'm supposed to be okay now. I've got God and all. What more could I ask for, right?

That's why I know something's wrong. Hindi complacent yung feeling eh. Pushes me to my emotional limit all the time. I guess the good side of it is the fact that it makes me feel alive.

What could be the solution to all of my issues? Will they fade out in time? Or am I just overanalyzing things again, that's why complicated na naman ang mga bagay-bagay?

I just want to be okay. Sana mawala na yung insecurity issues ko. Ayoko na maramdaman yung feeling na hindi ako mahalaga. Alam ko namang kahit papano may worth ako... hindi lang siguro sa mga tao na ini-expect ko.

Oh expectations. You suck! Hahahaha.

Nakakainis. Akala mo ang okay ko na tao 'no? But nope, andami kong issues na itinatago. Ang babaw. But I shall conquer all of this with the best defense I know: perspective and attitude. Maybe this is just a test, a challenge of faith even. I'll get past this soon. I just need to refocus and remind myself of my priorities.

And I'll make myself better. That's a promise. All the heartaches and sleepless nights these issues gave me won't be put to waste, I swear. :)

My love affair for the Acad Oval.

Tonight was the first time that I walked/jogged around the oval after graduation. And it still has the same effect on me. Just refreshing.

Well, let me give you a bit of a background to my post.

I have been a dormer for the first three years of my college life. That means I walked around the campus a lot. I went out to jog sometimes, either early in the morning like 5-ish or late at night like 9-ish. I have spent some nights just sitting at the Sunken Garden. Alone. In a big group. With a friend. Na-experience ko pa na two-way yung Acad Oval!

The Acad Oval.

Malapit sa puso ko ang Acad Oval. It has been the venue of so many meaningful conversations. Friendships started through that cyclical road. More importantly, my relationships with some people were strengthened through our Acad Oval moments.

During one of my low points last year, I rushed out of CMC because I couldn't help but cry (well because of my stupid emotions) and I didn't want to be seen by my friends. I found myself walking so fast. Before I knew it, I was already in front of the Vargas museum. If you're a frequent UPD visitor, you'd know that Zorro usually stands by that area. I looked up and saw him 10 meters away from me. I started to slow down my pace and quickly wiped my tears. Much to my anticipation, I received a slightly strong pat on the shoulder (should I describe it as a semi-shove? haha) and a "ang ganda mo!" from him. Sino ba namang hindi mapapatigil sa pag-iyak dahil dun? Hahaha.

Well basically, my point is andaming nangyayari sa Acad Oval. Pero di pa ako tapos magkwento...

After DZUP signed off kanina, Chryl and I decided to walk to Vinzons. Yes, after nag-jog na nga ako nung late afternoon, nag-stroll pa kami bago umuwi! Haha.

It was a super foggy night at UP. All the cars were sporting full-on headlights. Severe ang pagkasilaw ko! After people-watching for a few minutes, sinabi niya sakin na sobrang amazed daw siya sa pagkakaiba ng mga tao na nakakasalubong namin sa Oval. Which is very true naman. Sometimes, I even create storylines for the people I see. For example, si kuya na may malaking biceps pero may dala-dalang toy poodle. Or si ate na sobra-sobra ang pagpupunas ng pawis sa likod ng boypren niya. Meron ding estudyante na nakatingin lang sa daan habang hinahug yung makapal na libro.

These thoughts made me think about my own Acad Oval memories. I remember two summers ago, after Tropang Radyo, Gen and I would feel na bitin pa yung usapan so we would walk from CMC to Vinzons (sometimes even taking the longer cuts) so that we could talk more. Usually, we did this during her emotional/hormonal days. We walk, she talks, I listen. Slow clap naman for our dynamics! Hahaha.

During my Junior year din, Kem and I had a lot of interesting and memorable conversations along the Acad Oval when we he used to walk with me to my dorm after our TV prod class (dumadaan din kasi yung Ikot Jeep doon). Back when I was still a freshie, my Kalai group always went out for late night strolls just before curfew. And of course, how can I forget about my UP fair nights! The cold UP air and the silence was always refreshing. The orange lights from the lamp posts too.

The Acad Oval is like one of my life metaphors. It seems simple, cyclical even. But there are always detours. One way nga siya, but wait, may bicycle lane naman. Pwede pa mag-jogging! Maraming taong dumadaan. Minsan tumitigil, chikahan. Minsan, sasamahan pa ako. Madalas, come and go. But you never know when you'll bump into them again in the oval. Maraming humps, pero alam ko namang andyan lang yung humps to ensure na walang nag-ooverspeeding (sa buhay), at napapanatili ang safety.

Ang galing 'no?

Finally, na break-in na rin yung jogging shoes ko sa Acad Oval. It's about time, don't you think? Sayang naman eh sariling sweldo ko na ang pinanggastos ko dun. Hahaha.

I'm looking forward to more moments and memories at the Acad Oval. If I could, I would relive almost all of them. Words cannot explain how much I cherish every single one of them.

Hopefully I'll have the motivation to jog regularly. I'll keep this blog posted!:))

A few days to go!

I've been backreading my blog for the whole day and I am amazed with how random my posts are. I mean, they're all about my feelings and thoughts, pero grabe yung mood swings ko!

It's funny because now I can see how I (as well as the state of mind) have changed in a year's time. I was really unstable a year ago. Konting trigger of sadness lang, breakdown na ako agad. I'm happy that it's not like that anymore.

Sa wakas, natapos din ang hangover ko sa kanya. And I thought it would never end! And tagal-tagal kasi eh bago ko na-reach yung peace of mind/heart na hinahanap ko. Yun nga lang, may iba na namang gumugulo sa isipan (at puso?) ko ngayon. Gumugulo talaga riiiight. Eh kasi naman, ang labo lang talaga. Di ko siya maintindihan. And ngayon, parang intentional pa yung hindi niya pagpansin sakin. Oh well papel. Let it be.

I hope that I have grown wiser over the past year. While backreading, I felt like I was reading someone else's thoughts. I swear, a zombie took over my body! A lovestruck zombie who didn't know what else to do. Hahahaha. Parang ang bipolar ko lang talaga. Rants all over the place. Open letters--as if they reach their intended recipients. HOHO. Retrospective thoughts.

Maybe one day I'll delete all the embarrassing and desperate posts. But I'll keep them for now. It's a bittersweet reminder of how I am being molded as a person. Sobrang pathetic talaga nung ibang sinasabi ko na nakakahiya pag nabasa ng mga taong hindi ko ever ieexpect na babasahin ang blog ko. Hahaha.

But as I have always said, this is my very personal space online. I made it public because for me there's satisfaction in publishing my feelings out in the open without letting too many people (except for the ones really interested) know about them. Siguro, may thrill na din yung secretly winiwish kong mas maiintindihan ako ng mga tao dahil nababasa na nila yung personal thoughts ko.:)

Malapit na mag-isang taon ang blog na ito. It's been there in so many phases of my life. Who knows, maybe when I'm older, I'll look back at these cheesy blogposts and laugh out loud.

And I just can't wait for that moment to happen!:)

Overwhelmed and overflowing.

Someone once told me that you meet your true friends in college.

I guess I did meet them then.:) Haha. Very very childish, I KNOW. Bakit ba. Blog ko naman ito eh. Hahaha.

Maybe it's that feeling of security, joy and love when I'm around them. Despite our differences, I just can't help but feel attached to them. They're all far from me, if not far, busy with their own lives, yet somehow we find time to keep in touch with each other. Kahit isang simpleng hello, grabe, sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam.

Last night I had dinner with Kat at The Burger Project in Maginhawa. Actually it's our first time to get together since my graduation party sa West! It really has been a long time. Like our usual dinners, we eat, I listen to her rants about hard ChE subjects, annoying boys and semi-crushes, butt in about my life once in a while, then listen to her rant again. Weird set-up, I know. But that's how our friendship is. Besides, I'm very much entertained by her rants. Hehehe.

After dinner, we had cake and milktea at the old Moonleaf stall. No, not Moonleaf, but the cake stall beside it. It was a quaint cake shop. Super small lang, but cozy enough for us to lounge in. All of a sudden, I received a text from Gen saying na she was on her way to the big Moonleaf shop. In less than an hour, Kat and I found ourselves walking along Maginhawa again to meet up with Gen. Hassle, pero kebs! Nothing can stop me from meeting up with my best friend!:))

Gen and Kat had already met each other before. They personally met during my graduation party at West, but they already knew each other through my stories way before that. Funny lang kasi kahit sobrang iba-iba yung mga personalities nila, they have something in common, me! We ended up having a really good time, eating good cake with our milktea drinks. Awesome indeed!


Just when you thought the night had reached its maximum awesomeness potential, the night got better when I decided to call Kem. Well, he's still in Cavite kaya we haven't seen him for a very long time. I introduced Kat and Kem way back during our sophomore year and they just jived, as in. It was a confusing, sabaw, and very funny phone conversation. Thank God for unlicalls and Globe postpaid plans! Haha.


^That's me and Gen a.k.a. latest braceface. LOL. She just got her braces this week. I was so young when I had braces. I never really got to take pictures of myself. Come to think of it, hindi ko na maalala masyado yung itsura ko with braces.

These people made my night. Well, they always do naman. No doubt about that. I just couldn't contain my happiness, couldn't get enough of them that I even had to blog about it! Hehe.

I can't wait to sleepover again at Cavite. I can't wait to bump into Gen again. I can't wait to go jogging with my evil stepsister. I can't waiiiiit. But I should wait. I can wait naman talaga. But I do pray that we see each other soon. Hopefully.

'Til then, these random dates will do :)

P.S. Credits to Gen and her iTouch for the photos.
P.P.S. I'm still thinking whether I should save up for an iTouch. That would be a big splurge if ever!

Kasali ako!

Maybe I should just write and write and write until nothing comes out anymore?

Sorry, vent ko kasi itong blog na ito.

Maybe I should write about work? Come to think of it, I haven't really blogged about anything serious or clear in the past few months. Gulo kasi ng isip ko eh. Sabaw talaga.

Okay.. let's start with that.

So now I work for DZUP 1602, the official radio station of UP Diliman. Everyone's been telling me that it's a good start. My mentors are at an arm's reach. It's like doing daily, hourly radio productions. But instead of getting a grade, I get paid for it. Hindi naman mataas yung pay but I think it's more than enough to maintain my lifestyle. Maintain talaga eh 'no? Hahaha.

I haven't left my comfort zone. It's weird though because now that I think about it, a place becomes a comfort zone not just because of it's familiarity, but because of the people in that place. Most of my batchmates and friends are not in UP anymore. Does that make UP slightly less comfortable for me? Hehe. Gulo.

Each day is unpredictable. Minsan busy to the point na I have to include "eat lunch" and "reply to friends" in my to-do-list.:)) But there are also lots of slow days where I catch myself just watching/listening as time passes by. The good thing about it is that it's usually composed of good days. I think one of the big factors is my DZUP family. Yep, family talaga.:) Work becomes lighter kasi okay yung mga katrabaho. Saluhan talaga ng responsibilities. And the best part ay yung tawanan. SEVERE!

I'm settled and well-adjusted now but the question about whether I made the right decision in choosing DZUP as my entry point to the world of the employed never leaves my mind. Sometimes I ask myself if it would've been better if I left my comfort zone kaagad. But then again, the little things that happen in DZUP convince me that I made the right decision.

I have lots of future plans pa. Lots of considerations. A million what ifs. I want to study again, but not now. Maybe abroad? Depende kung may makukuhang scholarship. I want to work in an NGO. I want to try creatives too. I still want to be a pre-school teacher. And an interior designer. A stylist (HIHI). A budding chef.

I want to be a lot of things. But hey, I'm only 20. Hopefully, God'll give me enough years to figure out what I really what to happen in my life.

'Til then, I'm going to be satisfied in this day-to-day, wait, make that moment by moment discovery of what lies in the future for me.