Hellos and goodbyes.

This blog has been my little rant place for 5 years now. It has been my (very) personal space in the world wide web. However, I think it has gotten too personal for me. Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have posted about some events in my life. Maybe I shouldn't have written those open letters. I have allowed myself to be very vulnerable and exposed through this very public domain.

As I read through my archives, I can't help but notice how far I've changed from the Bianca five years ago. Dati, virus lang kay Lapoo ang dahilan ng mga nega posts ko. Ngayon, heart stuff na. I used to blog about all the mundane happenings in my life, as in hour-by-hour blow. Now, highlights of my week na lang. This blog is so full of memories, that I don't have the heart to delete them. Dapat naman no regrets diba?

So this is the point where I say goodbye to my home for five years and move on to my next abode. As I tweeted, "It's time to flip the (web)page". I will continue to blog, but maybe with a different perspective. Less emotional but nevertheless, full of heart.

Like I said, I won't delete this space. Masaya naman balikan from time to time ang old cheesy and personal posts ko. Hahaha. Parang kurot na lang siya of the past.

Maybe this is me trying to be more mature? Prolly me moving on with life as well. I'll post my new page here as soon as it's ready. For now, prep stages pa lang naman siya eh.

So thank you, Blogger, for sticking with me. I know we had an awkward start but I got past it eventually. The 5 years were all awesome. I had a few months off, but things became okay and I was able to write again. Sorry for being too emotional for the past year. Alam mo naman ang buhay, sobra-sobra kung gulatin ka.

To you, dear reader (whoever you might be).. thanks for bearing with me! I'm not a great writer but thank you for still continuing to visit my page. Most of the time, I just needed to voice out what I was feeling without being judged. And sometimes, masarap lang sa pakiramdam na hindi ka nag-iisa sa mga pinagdadaanan mo? Haha. Cheesy, I know... to the last post!:))

Thanks for the memories! Wait for my new blog ha? I'll be back, I promise.

'Til then! Bye for now ;)

xoxo,

Bianca

Heto na!

I just got my answer. Whaddup! Hahahaha. Nakakaloka. Over nothing? Really, Bianca?? Hahaha. Hay nako. Nakakatawa. What a relief. Hehehehe. I can't believe it. Nakakahiyaaa.

Pero kebs.

Carry on.

Next please?

Losing end, losing grip.

I am very restless now. I am counting hours, days even. Hahaha. I need something/someone to distract me from my own thoughts.

I feel like I'm on the losing end. Losing end of what? I don't know what exactly. It's just a really heavy fleeting feeling.

I don't even know how to end this post.

Hello Mystique!

WHO ARE YOU?


Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What is very personal?

It's like you're there, but you're not really there.

In my head (and in my heart), everything is clear. I know how I think of you. I know how I feel for you. Crystal. I admittingly get kilig all the time just reminiscing about the little moments and the little memories.

I don't know why you do it though. Is it really possible that you are still clueless about everything? Because I've seen you in a slightly weak situation, and you held on to me like there was no tomorrow. Well, I felt important at that moment. I told you that I would just be there, and like what I promised, I stayed right?

How about during the regular days? During the busy days?

I know you're just there, but I don't know if you'd come around if I asked. I don't know if I have gained that kind of influence over you. Yes, there are the concepts of being random and being spontaneous. However, when there's no confirmation and no consistency, how can you solely rely on randomness and/or spontaneity? Wala ka talagang panghahawakan.. mahirap.

It's not as if I'm complaining or anything. In fact, I'm really enjoying this (whatever this may be). Sometimes I feel that I'm just overthinking things and over reading situations instead of taking them in face value. What if this was just a super great friendship and I just mistook it for something a bit more than that?

I wish things would be a bit clearer for us, or for me. I really don't know what's going on in your head. Did you really want to hold my hand or what? Haha. But I swear, it was a really really cute moment. Moments rather.:))

Obviously I have nothing against this. I just wish that I could freely hope for the best, the best being the scenario that'll lead me to you without any doubts. Until then, I'd be more than willing to just be there and make my presence be felt by you. Ikaw na bahala magbasa sa actions ko. Hahaha.

Interesting thoughts from Psych O'clock Habit.

"How do you know if it’s LOVE? Compare what you feel sa “love target” sa nararamdaman with a friend or acquaintance (na hindi ka in-love with ha, hihi). Kung may kilig sa target, mukhang love na yun. Mahalaga rin ang desire for union with another."

"Magsisimula naman talaga sa liking at crucial ang mga sumusunod to increase liking: familiarity, proximity or closeness., similarity. Kelangan may maintenance para mag-last. Dagdagan natin, physical attractiveness or HOTNESS important rin to catch your eye. Hihi."

(From tonight's episode of PoCh--11/17/11)

Say whut. - B.

Press F5!

The week's coming to an end, and so will be this dream/memory that I am constantly reliving. Welcoming the new week with a refreshed mind. Never mind what happened. I need to live in the present. Hahaha.

I'm just trying to be two steps ahead so that I won't get frustrated when things don't meet my expectations. (What I picked up from the latest episode of Vampire Diaries bwahahaha.)

I'm hoping for a good week. Wait. I will be praying for a good week. Sometimes I underestimate (and also forget) the power of prayer. Haha. Will most definitely pray about that, and for God to hold my heart. Take it by the reins. CHOS!

Hay nako. Hindi pa rin nagdadie down yung Banchetto fever ko. More of Banchetto happiness, rather.:) Yeah, the event was cancelled. Andaming tao. Super traffic. It wasn't as great as I thought it would be, but I had a really really nice time with the boys. I was glad na hindi naudlot ang mga plano with the guys, and nakasama pa namin si Kem! And of course, I was extra happy because of other little things... like finally being able to witness the launching of a few floating lanterns! And spending the wee hours of the morning pigging out at Eastwood with my friends! And other things that I shouldn't probably be blabbing about. Haha.

Enough GV to sustain me for... I don't know. Basta, 'til it lasts. Labo ba? Hahaha.

I had lunch with church friends. We're planning to produce Christmas vignettes and a music video! I'm so excited for this proyektooooo (arte haha!). I hope I'd get to know them better through this project. I really want to have close friends from church, mga pwedeng maging accountable sa akin siguro? Hehe.

It's going to be a slightly busy week, but as always, I know that I'll get through everything that I have to do, with Him leading me by the hand. And sana magkatotoo yung little wishes ko for this week. Hihihi. *fingers crossed!*

Okay, time for dinner. Ikaw, kumain ka na ba? What are you having for dinner?:)

Post-11.11.11

You know that line from the lovely song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol which says,

"If I lay here,

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?"

In the midst of bliss, we find ourselves drenched in the moment. Suddenly everything seems fine and clear. How I wish it was always like that.

I could stay in that state forever, you know?

Telebabad

How can my source of paranoia also be the same source of my calmness?





...





Living in the moment, here.

Crazy.

SYNONYMS:

ape, barmy, bats in the belfry, batty, berserk, bonkers*, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, delirious, demented, deranged, dingy*, dippy, erratic, flaky, flipped, flipped out, freaked out, fruity, idiotic, insane, kooky, lunatic, mad, mad as a March hare, mad as a hatter, maniacal, mental*, moonstruck, nuts, nutty, nutty as fruitcake, of unsound mind, out of one's mind, out of one's tree, out to lunch, potty, psycho, round the bend, schizo, screw loose, screwball, screwy, silly, touched*, unbalanced, unglued, unhinged, unzipped, wacky

*I may seem composed and poised and calm when you see me, but honestly when you're around I go crazy inside my head. Yes, all those synonyms above.

Wala lang. Just sayin'. Haha.

Source: thesaurus.com

It stops today.

Oh, the title means nothing. It's just the song by Colbie Caillat that I'm currently listening to.

How can a song speak so much to you? Ang galing 'no? I've been listening to various albums today and they've all spoken to me. Well, parang nakarelate ako sa lahat. Posible ba yun? Hahaha.

It's as if the world understands what you're going through. And it's a nice little reminder that you're not as alone as you think... that others also undergo the same scenarios in life. Haha.

Thank you, to whoever's in control of that shuffle button. Thanks for playing the right songs at the right time.:))

Still unwritten.

Get ready for another loooong post. I just need to release these thoughts. The usual therapeutic effect of blogging. Bwahaha.


You know what? I'm going to start planning my life. As in written plans.

A few months ago, I stumbled into a concept called the "uncalculated" life. A life composed of randomness, excitement, opportunities and risks. The exact opposite of my very calculated life. People know me as the overthinker. I'm always very conscious of what people think of me. I don't like making unsafe choices. It doesn't mean that I'm a boring person, but I've always preferred the safer side over the edgier choices.

I think the concept of the uncalculated life came from a movie. Suddenly I decided to be more relaxed... to let the wind blow me to wherever. Take more risks. Be more random about life.

Maybe I just became too random. As the lovely song from All Time Low says, "too much of anything is too much". Maybe I've forgotten to establish a compromise from the two perspectives.

As much as I love the randomness and the spontaneity of my life events, it's tiring and sometimes frustrating not to have any security in life. And people tend to take you less seriously (which I'm beginning to really really hate now). Maybe it's time to grow up a little bit more. I know, I'm still young and I should have the time of my life. It's just that sometimes, I want something more concrete? Something I could lean on to?

Don't take this the wrong way. I'm just going to make plans, and try to fulfill them. For example, what career path I'm headed. I can't say yes to every job offer, and I can't stay at my comfort zone forever. I think it'll be refreshing to finally pursue something that I can build a career on? Another thing, investments. I'm living on my own now. People think that it's just a random move, but it's not. So many responsibilities have been added on my list since I moved in. I have to pay rent, clean, do groceries, pay utilities, laundry, and start on making that little house our home. It's a major investment, my dear.

As hard as it seems, I think it's going to be a major achievement if I do get to transform that house into a comfortable living space for me and my housemates. And I'm excited. It seems like a small step, but believe me, it's a major step towards my independence.

Not that I'm rushing or anything. But I'm working after all.

Anyway, aside from the house, I have to take my job more seriously. Yes, I love my job. I love the staff. I love being at the station. But most of the time, I ALSO have to remind myself that this isn't RC work anymore. I'm not just playing around. I have actual responsibilities in a functioning and growing radio station. And whatever I'm doing now, this is ground work for whatever other job I'll end up in. Diba?:)

Another thing, I have to stop playing with my own feelings. Yes, you read it right. Last year, I told myself that I'm going to be more open to possibilities, stop being manhid, be more sensitive, allow myself to feel, ALL THE CHEESY STUFF... thus, I started wearing my heart on my sleeve. Grabe, what a ride. I have experienced lots of ups, but lots of downs as well. Now I'm thinking if I made the right decision.:/ Maybe I should've been a little wiser, not letting small things affect me. It was easier back when I didn't really care about these things. Now that I've start caring about these issues, I've become more emotional and more vulnerable to the little things. And I'm not used to this side of me.

I HAVE TO FIND THAT COMPROMISE.



Or maybe I lack prayer? I admit, I have been distant lately to Him, trying to do things on my own. Yes, I know that's a very big mistake and a very foolish thing to do. I just feel that I'm not worthy sometimes. Again, I've been involved in too many Bible studies, cell groups, small groups, DGs, etc to know that it is by His grace and not our actions that we receive blessings. I know He has blessed me with so much and He has never let me go. It just sucks that I know all of these things yet I don't apply it in real life. It's shameful.

I have to get back on track. And I have to find my way soon. I just don't like this feeling of being in a limbo.

How I pray that this is just a test. Maybe God is just teaching me a lesson. Maybe He's just showing that I should cling on Him, rather than expect so much from myself? We're not that strong after all, but His strength is immeasurable.

Oh, life is hard. Exciting but hard. Good thing that I have a good support system. And of course, I have God to bring me through. Thank God that He has given me this positive perspective in life. I may have my own issues, but I'm in a waaaay better situation compared to everybody else, don't you think?:))

I'd like to think of life as a story with many chronicles. I'm still standing on the first chapter of another chronicle. Very far from the end. But at least I'm moving forward.

Hahaha. Hold on, Bianca! And hold tight. But also know when to let go.;)

Thoughts sa paligid-ligid..

Grabe, lakas ng downward pull sa self-esteem ko tuwing naiisip ko ang sitwasyon ko. Haha. Bakit ba ang malas ko sa ganito?

And I'm soooo fickle-minded. Kahapon, nakaset na yung mind ko sa action point. Today, hindi na naman. Put aside muna. Strategy. STRATEGY??? What da hell am I talking about? Hahaha.

Wow lang. Yun lang.

Di bale. Oks lang. All good <3 (Yeah, I think..)

Vague!

Ngayon ko lang na-realize na whenever I have a really personal dilemma, or when I'm in a very confusing situation, I do not blog about it. Have you noticed na hindi ako nagbablog lately? Haha.

Well, I've been talking to friends. Replaying situations and scenarios in my head. Watching related movies. Blah blah blah. So I guess have been getting my therapy there instead of blogging about it. Which is a good thing (I think) kasi my issues don't get publicized. Hahaha.

I'm moving out from 17 West today! Yep, moving in to clingy house maybe this afternoon. Ang cute lang kanina sa bahay, while saying goodbye to the maids... ang clingy nila! Haha. They said that they'll miss me. First thought on my mind, I'm never there. I'm gone all the time. Second thought, we didn't interact with each other that much but I did get to chat with them once in a while. Pero ang sweet lang talaga na ang sincere nila nung sinabi nilang mamimiss nila ang presence ko sa house.:) Awkward but sweet end to my stay there. Hehe. Even last night while I was talking to lola, I felt a little sad because they have become my family for the past year.

*Cue "Feels Like Home"*

Joke lang! Haha. I just remembered that song from How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, which I watched last night.:) It was a very cute movie. Then I watched Friends with Benefits, which was cute as well. Tapos I tried watching "The Holiday" too but I was too sleepy already so hindi ko na siya tinapos.

I'm listening to Prettiest Friend by Jason Mraz now.:)

"This is what I look like today
And I'm trying not to pull out my hair
I'm trying not to show it 'cause I'm far too shy to grow it back there
That's probably why I like wearing hats
There's no denying I'm deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming
And oh, it goes to show
I've so much to know

I wrote this for my prettiest friend
Who while trying not to prove that I care
Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
Well she can't see she's making me crazy now
I don't believe she knows she's amazing how
She has me holding my breathe
So I'd never guess that I'm a none such unsuitable, suited for her

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is complimentery
And oh, it goes to show
The moral of the story is boy loves girl
And so on the way that it unfolds is yet to be told

I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds

And if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overjoyed
And it's golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone
And so on 'cause the way it unfolds is yet to be told"

It's a pretty song. Bakit sobrang heartfelt ng mga kanta ni Mraz? Pareho kami ng sentiments ng kanta: overwhelmed, awkward, unsure, looking forward to the unknown in a quite optimistic way. Haha. Cross your fingers with me please.

P.S. Yeah yeah yeah.. I know, this blogpost is super vague. And so are my feelings. HAHAHA.