I'm not jealous, no, I'm not. I just want everything she's got.

Whoever wrote this song must have known me. Haha.
Bitter? Hinde.

When Will It be Me
by Yasmeen

I see the couple are walkin` by
Feel like I
Don`t wanna be alone today
So glad no one can see what I hide
Deep inside
How it feels to be
The girl who never gets the right guy
Tell me why
When there`s so much I`ve got to give
I wake up reaching out in the night
Ready to hold him tight
'Til I realize
That nobody is there

When will it be me
When will I be the one
Somebody`s dreaming of
When`s it gonna be?
When will I find my heart
Lyin` inside the arms
That never let me go?

I`d really like to know
When will it be me?

My friends seem to have all the love
(Feels like love.)
Knocks on their door and walks right in
I know that I am worthy of what I`ve been wishing for
I can`t wait no more
Love`s nowhere to be found

Feeling his tender touch
(Lying in his arms.)
Talkin` bout forever together
Givin` him all of my love
That`s been trying to break free

Don`t wanna be alone
No more
I`m telling you what I need
I want someone who loves me for me
And when will it be?
Wonder when will it be

I ask myself
When will it be me?

The is just oh-so-perfect.
The perfect description. I'm amazed.

No air.

Yes, it is so hard for me to breathe right now.

And it's not because of some person. It's not like I'm Jordin Sparks looking down at Chris Brown by the glass window while emoting. Haha. Exagge na naman. It's because I have so many things to do. With so little time left in my hands, I really am confused on what to prioritize first. No, I am STRESSED because I already know which to prioritize but now, I don't know how to start. Haay.

I am the ultimate procrastinator. I say na I will be doing this today, but actually I'll be doing it the day after tomorrow. As in, everything last minute talaga. I don't actually like the feeling of rushing things but I don't know why I still put up with that bad habit of mine. For more than 5 years, I have been including this problem to my resolution list but still, I never get past through it.

When will I ever learn?
Sabi nga ng Typecast: "So what's the point in all of this when you will never change?"

Wala. No point in all of this (blogging). That's why I will stop right now kasi I have to sleep na. Sunday tomorrow, church time.:)

Ilan kaya ang Bianca sa mundo?

RULES:Go to Google and type in your first name and the phrase. Copy and paste the first sentence/phrase you get that makes sense.

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: "Bianca needs help." Gosh. Nahulaan niya?

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: "Bianca looks like she's "the pop tart du jour." NEVER!

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: "Bianca says she's not ready fall in love again." Again? When was the last time? Parang non-existent yata. Haha.

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: "Bianca wants to party." But not tonight. Acad Mode tayo.:))

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: "Bianca does same goofy trick." Over and over again.

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: "Bianca hates jerks." Finally. Something that makes sense. Waha.

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: "Bianca asks her to stay for a while." Them, actually.

Q: Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search.
A: "Bianca goes for gold." Always naman dude.

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: "Bianca likes to dance." Likes lang. Haha. Talent? Where are you?

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: "Bianca eats ice!" Haha. My mom eats ice.

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A: "Bianca wears her mother's pearls." :))

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: "Bianca was arrested for drug smuggling." DRUG SMUGGLING??

Tell me.

Am I really that insignificant?











'cause when my thoughts begin to clear out, I tend to really feel that way.

I know that people don't mean to make me feel this way, pero it really sucks kasi to feel na after everything, hindi ka pa rin pala kabilang.

No, hindi ito clique problem if that's what you're thinking.

Last night while I was still at the bus, I began thinking AGAIN about these stuff. I don't know why these thoughts entered my head. Basta, all I know is that it made me feel somehow depressed. I tried to share my problem to two of my friends. I thought that would make me feel better. But instead, I felt na they didn't even care if I felt this way.

So tell me, am I really that insignificant? No?

I am a friendly person. In fact, I know a LOT of people. I have lots of friends. FRIENDLY friends. But actually, I don't know who I could ACTUALLY depend on. Y'know, genuine friends? Yung tipo na if you are in need of whatever, you could go to them agad-agad. But no, I don't feel that way. I don't blame them actually. I blame ME.

Maybe because I have built this strong wall around me, I haven't actually let anyone get to know the real me. All they see is this positive and always bubbly Bianca. They never see me break down, or even get mad. Maybe I really caused this.

I wanted to establish myself as a perfect person siguro. Yes, I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be Miss Sunshine that encourages everyone. As in everyone. I never wanted to be recognized with a certain group. I wanted to be friends with every single person. Maybe that was my wrong decision.

I don't blame my friends. It's not their fault that I am not present all the time so it their privilege to sort of get used to it. Oh, the limitations of life.

Because of the wanting to be not recognized to a particular group, I never became super close to people. I always was distant. I never was the person they could share their secrets with. In return, I could not do that to them too. All I could do was supress these feelings wishing that they would go away and never come back. But instead, it has been a haunting nightmare.

I remember Tito Regie's sermon two Sundays ago (I think). It had some sort of relation to what I am feeling right now. Maybe I should start breaking down that wall? Maybe I should lower my defense? It's not too late to start letting people in, isn't it? Problem is, I don't know how to let people in. Advice, anyone?

I want them to be a part of my life, the same way that I want to be a part in their lives. I don't want to be the friend you just call when you are having a hard time with your subjects. I want to be a friend that you can call when life's giving you earthquakes. I want to be able to share my deepest secrets with you without any single thought of insecurity.

I'm guessing that the damage has been done. I am already distant. That's why I'm trying to not make the same mistakes in college. I don't want to be depressed naman forever. I am currently in a social horizon that is wider than ever. I have all the opportunities to meet new people and share my life to them.

See? Even if I'n kinda depressed, I'm still ending this post with a positive note.
Isn't that great?

No need for drama.

How do you tell a love story when you have not felf THAT kind of love. How do you depict hurt when you have not felt THAT kind of hurt? Haha. I am going crazy.

For my MPs 177 class, i formulate (yes, formulated is the term!) a love story that only existed in my mind, or perhaps for a few episodes, in my dreams. I created people that I have never met and placed them in situations I have never been in. That's why it is really hard for me to extract the emotion, because honestly, I have never even felt that emotion. I could only go as far as my imagination would let me. And it has been hard. Hard because I really want to feel the emotion first hand.:(

But oh well, it is not yet my time. Only God knows when it will be.

Going back to my story. I have been trying to push my limits, trying to be receptive to ideas that my conservative self cannot accept (before I entered UP. haha) pero ang hirap talaga. I really need to be open, as in OPEN-minded. And I need to be extra creative. Hindi pwede ang mga baduy scenes to showcase the development of the love story. It has to be something different. Haay. Different. What a complicated word.

I believe I can do this. Sir approved na nga my storyline (kahit mejo pilit) pero the fact still remains na approved yon. So ibig sabihin, may something sa story. Hindi siya basta-basta mababaw lang.

Sige, Biancs. Go and convince yourself.:))

Seriously, kaya ko 'to. By God's grace, lahat ng deficiencies ay pupunan niya. Lahat ng kawalan ko sa experience and sa emotion, siya ang maglalagay ng panakip. Lahat ng kakulangan sa creativeness ay pupunan niya ng SUPER TO THE MAX brillian ideas. Oh diba? May taga-salo ako?

Ikaw? May taga-salo ka rin ba?:)

The confidence of being unknown.

I missed posting here. Parang I don't have to worry kasi this blog is not known to many (major factor ang papalit-palit na URL. haha) so I have the freedom to right so much more about stuff and that knowledge gives me the confidence to write because I really don't have to worry on what will be the people's reactions to the things that I will be saying. Haha.

It's a sort of funny feeling na even if the blog is not private, very few people actually visit the blog kaya it is a sort of privilege for them to take a peek into the writer's mind. I have noticed that most of the popular blogs have become forums for the readers. Maybe that really is the writer's intention. They even gain a fan-base. Me? I just want an outlet.

I actually am a loyal blog reader to some blogs, especially celebrity blogs (kahit nakakahiya man). Maybe I am fascinated by how they view life, how they live, how they relate to their friends, families and loved ones, and by how different and similar their lives are to mine. I don't know how my blog affects the very few readers that it has, but I hope it does produce a positive effect.:D

Before, I wanted my blog to be my updater. Because I don't usually text my friends or spend time with them, I wanted my blog to do the talking that's why I posted stuff such as how my day went or what I have been busy with during the past weeks. But I guess that did not work. Or maybe not to the point that I expected it would. Maybe people were not just interested in how I was doing or what I was going through. And that made me sad... for a while.:) But oh well, who cares? At least I was able to speak out my mind diba?

So it is safe to say I'm back. Back with no more expectations. Just ideas, opinions and thoughts that I am ready to pour out into this website. Ideas, opinions and thoughts that nobody else may ever read but even so, are out on the public accessible with just a few clicks.:))

Here's to a million more blog posts!:)

salamat!:)

oo, kayo nga.:)



alam ko mejo maaga pa pero super thank you talaga dahil pinasaya niyo ang buhay ko over the last few months. i looked forward to all meetings may class man o wala. haha. ang weird nga e, nagdadrama ako ngayon. wala lang. i suddenly realized na halos tapos na ang first sem and that...it's finally ending? haha. ang loka ko naman.



nakakagulat kung paano tayong lahat nagkasundo nang bigla-bigla to think na hindi natin masyado kilala ang isa't isa back then. for more, hindi talaga natin kilala ang isa't isa. haha.



sa maraming ISSUES (ehem! ehem!), pagdadrama (ehem ulit!), pagkain, tawanan, singilan (yung mga di pa nagbabayad jan...), pagkacram, kabaliwan at higit sa lahat sa competitiveness! grabe. and dami kong natutunan sa inyo. bilib na talaga ako sa inyo.:))



hindi pa natatapos ang sem pero nalulungkot na ako.:(



hay nako! tama na ang drama.


basta, salamat!:)

On the verge of boiling over...

"...Like Water for Chocolate" by Laura Esquirel. Grabe.:)



"For Tita, these words were like a fresh breeze fanning embers that had been about to die."



"She got out her handkerchief and tried to wipe these sinful thoughts from her mind as she wiped away the sweat."



"That is the way history gets written, distorted by eyewitness accounts that don't really match the reality."



"Like silent spectators to a movie, Pedro and Tita began to cry watching the stars act out the love that was denied to them."



"Surely the heat from her body, which was inflamed by love, would travel with that gaze across an infinite distance, with no loss of energy, until it landed on the star she was watching. Those huge stars have lasted millions of years by taking care never to absorb any of the fiery rays lovers all over the world send up at night after night. Any look it receives is immediately repulsed, reflected back onto the earth, like a trick done with mirrors. That is the reason the stars shine so brightly at night."



"The next shot is for you, and I assure you that I can shoot you before they can kill me, so it would be best for us to respect each other. If we die, no one will miss me very much, but won't the nation mourn your loss?"



"Unquestionable, when it came to dividing, dismantling, dismembering, desolating, detaching, dispossessing, destroying, or dominating, Mama Elena was a pro."



"That's why it's important to keep your distance from people who have frigid breath. Just their presence can put out the most intense fire, with results we're familiar with. If we stay a good distance from those people, it's easier to protect ourselves from being extinguished."



"Anything can be true or false, depending on whether one believed it."



"...how easy it was to wish for things as a child. Then nothing seemed impossible. Growing up, one realizes how many things one cannot wish for, the things that are forbidden, sinful. Indecent. But what is decent? To deny everything that you really want?"



"She imagined the pride they felt as the tip of the first root emerged from inside of them, the humility with which they accepted the loss of their previous form, the bravery with which they accepted the loss of their previous form, the bravery with which they showed the world their new leaves."



"I know who I am! A person who has a perfect right to live her life as she pleases."



"She wasn't riding alone--she carried her childhood beside her, in the cream fritters she had enclosed in a jar in her saddlebag."



"Perhaps his head was full of the smoke his body had given off when it burned and just as burnt toast changes the way the whole house smells, making it unpleasant, so his smoky brain was producing these black thoughts, turning his usually pleasant words into awful ones."



"Necessity is the mother of invention, and of every position. That day it led to some of the greatest creativity in the history of the human race."

wake me up when September ends...

kasi ibig sabihin,


SEMBREAK NA!


Los Banos, here i come!
the geek is going home.