Still unwritten.

Get ready for another loooong post. I just need to release these thoughts. The usual therapeutic effect of blogging. Bwahaha.


You know what? I'm going to start planning my life. As in written plans.

A few months ago, I stumbled into a concept called the "uncalculated" life. A life composed of randomness, excitement, opportunities and risks. The exact opposite of my very calculated life. People know me as the overthinker. I'm always very conscious of what people think of me. I don't like making unsafe choices. It doesn't mean that I'm a boring person, but I've always preferred the safer side over the edgier choices.

I think the concept of the uncalculated life came from a movie. Suddenly I decided to be more relaxed... to let the wind blow me to wherever. Take more risks. Be more random about life.

Maybe I just became too random. As the lovely song from All Time Low says, "too much of anything is too much". Maybe I've forgotten to establish a compromise from the two perspectives.

As much as I love the randomness and the spontaneity of my life events, it's tiring and sometimes frustrating not to have any security in life. And people tend to take you less seriously (which I'm beginning to really really hate now). Maybe it's time to grow up a little bit more. I know, I'm still young and I should have the time of my life. It's just that sometimes, I want something more concrete? Something I could lean on to?

Don't take this the wrong way. I'm just going to make plans, and try to fulfill them. For example, what career path I'm headed. I can't say yes to every job offer, and I can't stay at my comfort zone forever. I think it'll be refreshing to finally pursue something that I can build a career on? Another thing, investments. I'm living on my own now. People think that it's just a random move, but it's not. So many responsibilities have been added on my list since I moved in. I have to pay rent, clean, do groceries, pay utilities, laundry, and start on making that little house our home. It's a major investment, my dear.

As hard as it seems, I think it's going to be a major achievement if I do get to transform that house into a comfortable living space for me and my housemates. And I'm excited. It seems like a small step, but believe me, it's a major step towards my independence.

Not that I'm rushing or anything. But I'm working after all.

Anyway, aside from the house, I have to take my job more seriously. Yes, I love my job. I love the staff. I love being at the station. But most of the time, I ALSO have to remind myself that this isn't RC work anymore. I'm not just playing around. I have actual responsibilities in a functioning and growing radio station. And whatever I'm doing now, this is ground work for whatever other job I'll end up in. Diba?:)

Another thing, I have to stop playing with my own feelings. Yes, you read it right. Last year, I told myself that I'm going to be more open to possibilities, stop being manhid, be more sensitive, allow myself to feel, ALL THE CHEESY STUFF... thus, I started wearing my heart on my sleeve. Grabe, what a ride. I have experienced lots of ups, but lots of downs as well. Now I'm thinking if I made the right decision.:/ Maybe I should've been a little wiser, not letting small things affect me. It was easier back when I didn't really care about these things. Now that I've start caring about these issues, I've become more emotional and more vulnerable to the little things. And I'm not used to this side of me.

I HAVE TO FIND THAT COMPROMISE.



Or maybe I lack prayer? I admit, I have been distant lately to Him, trying to do things on my own. Yes, I know that's a very big mistake and a very foolish thing to do. I just feel that I'm not worthy sometimes. Again, I've been involved in too many Bible studies, cell groups, small groups, DGs, etc to know that it is by His grace and not our actions that we receive blessings. I know He has blessed me with so much and He has never let me go. It just sucks that I know all of these things yet I don't apply it in real life. It's shameful.

I have to get back on track. And I have to find my way soon. I just don't like this feeling of being in a limbo.

How I pray that this is just a test. Maybe God is just teaching me a lesson. Maybe He's just showing that I should cling on Him, rather than expect so much from myself? We're not that strong after all, but His strength is immeasurable.

Oh, life is hard. Exciting but hard. Good thing that I have a good support system. And of course, I have God to bring me through. Thank God that He has given me this positive perspective in life. I may have my own issues, but I'm in a waaaay better situation compared to everybody else, don't you think?:))

I'd like to think of life as a story with many chronicles. I'm still standing on the first chapter of another chronicle. Very far from the end. But at least I'm moving forward.

Hahaha. Hold on, Bianca! And hold tight. But also know when to let go.;)

Claiming Isaiah 40:28-31!

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. For some reason, I could not go back to sleep. So I played Sims instead. Hahaha. Mali.

Anyway, so as usual, I started thinking about things. You know, the little things that make my life "exciting"--NOT.

I realized that I don't care about a certain person anymore. At least not in that way anymore. Yeah I know, you've read this statement prolly a hundred times in this blog, but it's real this time around.

I guess I was just confused. Gusto kong bumalik sa dati kong posisyon sa buhay niya, pero obviously, hindi na pwede mangyari yun. Little by little I'm learning to understand and accept that fact. Ganun naman sa buhay eh, pakonti-konti lang. I'm still affected whenever he doesn't acknowledge me/my presence, but hey, that's life. Hindi tayo forever nasa spotlight. I had my time, but I wasn't able to make the most out of it. So kebs na. Carry on.

I still hate him sometimes though. Mwahaha.

I love what I'm doing. I like my job. I love the people here. It's almost been 4 months since I started working here. Kaso sometimes, parang nakukulangan ako sa ginagawa ko. I don't know if I'm not doing my best, or sadyang ganun lang talaga yung nature ng work ko. Pag busy, super busy talaga. Pero pag chill time, sobrang wala namang ginagawa. I'm trying to explore part time jobs. Kahit nga di ako bayaran eh, just for additional experience. There's just this discontented feeling na hindi ko malaman kung ano ang pinagmulan.

Feelings-wise? Hindi na mabigat yung pakiramdam ko. Na-break na yung ice eh. However, hindi pa rin okay ang lahat. I think may miscommunication na nagaganap sa pagitan namin. Magkaiba siguro ang pagkakaintindi namin sa mga bagay-bagay. Hopefully the "rift" will end soon. I'm tired of not having friends around. Haha. I miss them badly.

Well there's always the positive side: wala masyadong gimik, so wala din masyadong gastos! LOL

Okay lang yun, I'm preparing my wallet and my bank account naman for the upcoming expenses when I move to my new house with Joy, Jem and Carms. Maybe you'll start reading more about them as the year progresses. Malamang, sila makakasama ko sa new house eh.:))

Weytaminet. I haven't told you bout the new house, have I? Well, I'm moving out soon. I'll be trying to live on my own.. with friends, rather. Siguro I'll share details na lang (and prolly a few pictures) when I actually move in.:))

I have so many things to look forward to this month. I want to go to UP Friday Night Lights this Friday pero wala pa akong nahahanap na kasama.:( Parang ang sad naman kung mag-isa ako manonood ng fireworks display diba? Haha. Self-pity!!! Then I have my get-together this Saturday with my elementary and high school batchmates! But I'm more excited to see Jers! Excited lang ako makipagdaldalan hehehe.

There's the CMMA next week. My KBP Accreditation exam on the 24th. And then my DFA appointment (Finally, passport yehey!) on the 27th.

The days are going on too fast to the point na nakaka-overwhelm na yung bilis. I wish I can keep up. Well, I'm able to keep up naman most of the time. Matindi lang ang effect tuwing naiiwan ako. Hehe. Eww, self-pity another!

Keep on fighting, Biancs! Look forward to the good stuff. Good things are yet to come. Sabi nga nila, you won't see the good side if you have no bad side to compare it to. ;)

Kasali ako!

Maybe I should just write and write and write until nothing comes out anymore?

Sorry, vent ko kasi itong blog na ito.

Maybe I should write about work? Come to think of it, I haven't really blogged about anything serious or clear in the past few months. Gulo kasi ng isip ko eh. Sabaw talaga.

Okay.. let's start with that.

So now I work for DZUP 1602, the official radio station of UP Diliman. Everyone's been telling me that it's a good start. My mentors are at an arm's reach. It's like doing daily, hourly radio productions. But instead of getting a grade, I get paid for it. Hindi naman mataas yung pay but I think it's more than enough to maintain my lifestyle. Maintain talaga eh 'no? Hahaha.

I haven't left my comfort zone. It's weird though because now that I think about it, a place becomes a comfort zone not just because of it's familiarity, but because of the people in that place. Most of my batchmates and friends are not in UP anymore. Does that make UP slightly less comfortable for me? Hehe. Gulo.

Each day is unpredictable. Minsan busy to the point na I have to include "eat lunch" and "reply to friends" in my to-do-list.:)) But there are also lots of slow days where I catch myself just watching/listening as time passes by. The good thing about it is that it's usually composed of good days. I think one of the big factors is my DZUP family. Yep, family talaga.:) Work becomes lighter kasi okay yung mga katrabaho. Saluhan talaga ng responsibilities. And the best part ay yung tawanan. SEVERE!

I'm settled and well-adjusted now but the question about whether I made the right decision in choosing DZUP as my entry point to the world of the employed never leaves my mind. Sometimes I ask myself if it would've been better if I left my comfort zone kaagad. But then again, the little things that happen in DZUP convince me that I made the right decision.

I have lots of future plans pa. Lots of considerations. A million what ifs. I want to study again, but not now. Maybe abroad? Depende kung may makukuhang scholarship. I want to work in an NGO. I want to try creatives too. I still want to be a pre-school teacher. And an interior designer. A stylist (HIHI). A budding chef.

I want to be a lot of things. But hey, I'm only 20. Hopefully, God'll give me enough years to figure out what I really what to happen in my life.

'Til then, I'm going to be satisfied in this day-to-day, wait, make that moment by moment discovery of what lies in the future for me.