Monday, October 24, 2011

Time machine.

Nights like this take me back to high school... back when I was nobody.

Yes, I was on top of the class. Glee club member. School paper EIC. Member of the cheering squad. Yet all these labels meant nothing. Still means nothing to me now. Yeah, it brought me pride. Boosted my ego much. But at the end of the day, it feels nothing. People remember me attached to these labels. And it just saddens me that they don't remember me as Bianca. It's as if I never made an impact to anyone. Or maybe I never did?

It's just.. when I look back? It's blank. I hopped from one barkada to the next because I didn't want to be tied down. I hated stereotypes. Well, that's the same concept if you're asking why I was involved in so many extra curricular activities (except sports because I wasn't really skilled in that aspect). I didn't want to be the smart girl. I wanted everyone to like me.

My impossible goal. Hahaha.

So the moment I stepped into college, I promised myself that things would be different. I tried to strengthen my personality. Met new people. Became a better Bianca in all aspects. Maybe that's why I'm not as attached to my LB friends compared to my college friends? It's because I literally left them, and then created a new version of me. So I can't blame them.

Well, hindi naman ibig sabihin nun ay hindi ako ganito dati. Of course, the same elements are there. It's the same me, deep inside. Haha.

It just sucks that sometimes situations still pull me back into the days of being a nobody. When I feel that nobody considers me as someone important enough. When nobody cares about my opinion, because it's JUST my opinion. When I'm pushed aside because other people are more important. When people take for granted the "kindness" you try to show them because they know you won't fight back.

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na minsan, hindi ka pa rin talaga nakakawala sa nakaraan.

Most definitely, maybe.

This is the point where I ask, "Am I on the right track?"

Because I really don't know. Am I meant to be here? Am I making the right decision by moving out? Will stopping myself from falling for this guy make things easier? Until when should I stay in my comfort zone? Is there something else for me outside? Am I doing the right things?

Walang assurance eh. Yeah, there's that temporary satisfaction, a pleasant feeling deep down inside. Pero yun nga, temporary lang. It's like I can go living like this for a very long time, but not find myself settled.

Maybe that's what I want to achieve. I want to be settled. Settled into a secure job. Settled in a good house I can call home. Settled in a secure relationship. Settled in my capabilities.

Yeah yeah yeah... I know I'm only 20 and maybe I'm trying to rush things. Some people haven't even graduated yet. So should I just consider myself blessed to be in a place like where I am now?

Maybe.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Who's running away now?

I opened blogger to rant out about being selfish and some other stupid thoughts after reading something over at Twitter, only to find me stopping myself.

I have no business feeling bad over that. It was just a line from a song.

Well, a song close to my heart.

Still I have no right to be selfish.

I know you can't understand what the hell I am talking about. Okay lang yan, ako din, di ko maintindihan sarili ko lately.

I'm not a mess. I'm actually okay and in a very good place right now. Parang feeling ko lang, tinutulak ko minsan (o madalas) ang sarili ko sa kaguluhan. Hahaha. Nakakatawa lang. Never na ako umalis sa limbo state na ito.

Kaya ko 'to! Malalampasan ko din ito!:))

Will focus all my energy on important things muna. Like my DZUP programs and new responsibilities. And my KBP exam tomorrow. And the new house. Aja!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

HOHOL.

Kelangan ko na bumawi sa tulog. Super antok ko lately, as in all the tiiiiiime. No kidding. It's taking its toll on me. Hehehe.

Updates! Updates!
  • We have a stay-in maid again! And she has two cutiepatootie kiddos.:)
  • I'm moving out by the end of this month. Hello new house, hello new responsibilities!
  • I haven't watched a movie since Glee3d. Hopefully I'd be able to watch Real Steel tomorrow night.
  • Went to the CMMA yesterday! DZUP won one award and one special citation. Couldn't be any prouder! Still waiting for the KBP Golden Dove awards results. Imagine, we're nominated for Best AM radio station! Pitted among the bigwigs of the industry! YEAHHHH
  • I have a new pa-healthy project but sadly, I haven't started it yet. Supposedly, sabay kami ni Gen but we have super different scheds and stuff. I need to find a strong motivation. Haha.
  • I'm almost done with MasterChef US season2 and 90210 season3!!! At last!
  • And oh, I'm done with the Top Chef game. Hehehehehe.
  • Last night I spilled one of my secrets to a friend while he drove me home. Turns out he had a hunch about everything! Ano ba yaaan. Haha. Ang waley lang, di ako makapagtago ng sikreto.
  • Last Friday, I attended UP Friday Night Lights and watched Up Dharma Down and pretty fireworks light up UP's sky.:) Good vibes ng bongga! Plus Gen and Angel were there! Cherry on top.:) Then we hang out at Spazzio afterwards. Good time talaga whenever I'm with these people.:) I SWEAR. :D Can't wait for the pictures from Bolle's cam.
  • Uso sa buhay ko ngayon ang HOHOL. Hang out-Hang out-Lang. Pfft.
Ikaw, anong uso sa buhay mo ngayon?

Sorry, wala sa mood magkwento. Lots of good things happening though. Good enough naman... I think.:))

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Ikaw ang hantungan.

Ba't 'di salubungin
Ang puso ko at kunin
Ang diwang malaya
Huwag na huwag magpabaya pa
Ikaw ang pag-ibig
Pakinggan ang himig ko
Wala na sanang lalayo, mundong ito ay hihinto...
-Up Dharma Down, Tadhana

Friday, October 14, 2011

There's like that.

I wonder what it is to be like you?

Your life seems so perfect and so fun. You're surrounded by people who admire and love you. You can do whatever you want, just shrugging off the judgmental looks of others who just want to ruin you.

To be able to express your love freely. To be able to be with the one you love despite all the questions posed by others. To be able to pursue your dreams, travel to different countries, make people happy, be a role model, and meet awesome people. YOU ALREADY.

You're able to influence a lot people not just through your advocacies but in the way you live your life as well.

Sometimes I wish I could be like you, even just for a day.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Never almost had you.


ALMOST - Tamia

Can you tell me, how can one miss what she’s never had?
How could I reminisce when there is no past?
How could I have memories of being happy with you, boy?
Can someone tell me how can this be?

How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened?
How could we celebrate love that’s too late
And how could I really mean the words I’m about to say?

I miss the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we used to kiss
At least in my dreams just let me take my time and reminisce

I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us, we were almost there
Who ever said it’s impossible to miss
What you never had, never almost had you




P.S. "Almost" being the operative word ;)

Claiming Isaiah 40:28-31!

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. For some reason, I could not go back to sleep. So I played Sims instead. Hahaha. Mali.

Anyway, so as usual, I started thinking about things. You know, the little things that make my life "exciting"--NOT.

I realized that I don't care about a certain person anymore. At least not in that way anymore. Yeah I know, you've read this statement prolly a hundred times in this blog, but it's real this time around.

I guess I was just confused. Gusto kong bumalik sa dati kong posisyon sa buhay niya, pero obviously, hindi na pwede mangyari yun. Little by little I'm learning to understand and accept that fact. Ganun naman sa buhay eh, pakonti-konti lang. I'm still affected whenever he doesn't acknowledge me/my presence, but hey, that's life. Hindi tayo forever nasa spotlight. I had my time, but I wasn't able to make the most out of it. So kebs na. Carry on.

I still hate him sometimes though. Mwahaha.

I love what I'm doing. I like my job. I love the people here. It's almost been 4 months since I started working here. Kaso sometimes, parang nakukulangan ako sa ginagawa ko. I don't know if I'm not doing my best, or sadyang ganun lang talaga yung nature ng work ko. Pag busy, super busy talaga. Pero pag chill time, sobrang wala namang ginagawa. I'm trying to explore part time jobs. Kahit nga di ako bayaran eh, just for additional experience. There's just this discontented feeling na hindi ko malaman kung ano ang pinagmulan.

Feelings-wise? Hindi na mabigat yung pakiramdam ko. Na-break na yung ice eh. However, hindi pa rin okay ang lahat. I think may miscommunication na nagaganap sa pagitan namin. Magkaiba siguro ang pagkakaintindi namin sa mga bagay-bagay. Hopefully the "rift" will end soon. I'm tired of not having friends around. Haha. I miss them badly.

Well there's always the positive side: wala masyadong gimik, so wala din masyadong gastos! LOL

Okay lang yun, I'm preparing my wallet and my bank account naman for the upcoming expenses when I move to my new house with Joy, Jem and Carms. Maybe you'll start reading more about them as the year progresses. Malamang, sila makakasama ko sa new house eh.:))

Weytaminet. I haven't told you bout the new house, have I? Well, I'm moving out soon. I'll be trying to live on my own.. with friends, rather. Siguro I'll share details na lang (and prolly a few pictures) when I actually move in.:))

I have so many things to look forward to this month. I want to go to UP Friday Night Lights this Friday pero wala pa akong nahahanap na kasama.:( Parang ang sad naman kung mag-isa ako manonood ng fireworks display diba? Haha. Self-pity!!! Then I have my get-together this Saturday with my elementary and high school batchmates! But I'm more excited to see Jers! Excited lang ako makipagdaldalan hehehe.

There's the CMMA next week. My KBP Accreditation exam on the 24th. And then my DFA appointment (Finally, passport yehey!) on the 27th.

The days are going on too fast to the point na nakaka-overwhelm na yung bilis. I wish I can keep up. Well, I'm able to keep up naman most of the time. Matindi lang ang effect tuwing naiiwan ako. Hehe. Eww, self-pity another!

Keep on fighting, Biancs! Look forward to the good stuff. Good things are yet to come. Sabi nga nila, you won't see the good side if you have no bad side to compare it to. ;)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Defocusing/refocusing

I wonder how it is to feel really okay?
To feel settled.
To be secure.
To be loved.
To be content.

Well, I could settle for okay. Haha. I don't know. I just long for peace of mind and heart. Yung wala nang issues like this? Nakakapagod isipin at nakakapagod din sa damdamin eh. I know I'm supposed to be okay now. I've got God and all. What more could I ask for, right?

That's why I know something's wrong. Hindi complacent yung feeling eh. Pushes me to my emotional limit all the time. I guess the good side of it is the fact that it makes me feel alive.

What could be the solution to all of my issues? Will they fade out in time? Or am I just overanalyzing things again, that's why complicated na naman ang mga bagay-bagay?

I just want to be okay. Sana mawala na yung insecurity issues ko. Ayoko na maramdaman yung feeling na hindi ako mahalaga. Alam ko namang kahit papano may worth ako... hindi lang siguro sa mga tao na ini-expect ko.

Oh expectations. You suck! Hahahaha.

Nakakainis. Akala mo ang okay ko na tao 'no? But nope, andami kong issues na itinatago. Ang babaw. But I shall conquer all of this with the best defense I know: perspective and attitude. Maybe this is just a test, a challenge of faith even. I'll get past this soon. I just need to refocus and remind myself of my priorities.

And I'll make myself better. That's a promise. All the heartaches and sleepless nights these issues gave me won't be put to waste, I swear. :)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

(Still) sunshine on my window.







I've got an awesome best friend. I swear! Made my night. Now I can sleep.:)

Dedma pa rin. Yata.

Oh btw, still no communication. Still silence.

I wonder if I've lost a friend... again? Because that would really break my heart... again as well. C'mon, cut me some slack. Just when I've finally pulled myself together, here comes another issue!

Wow. Just wow.

I was secretly wishing that I'd bump into him kanina but at the same time I wish I wouldn't see him. How's that possible? I don't know. Why was I wishing for that to happen? I don't know either.

Two months ago, we had a talk and I poured my heart out as in no holds barred. Well, maybe a little lang pala. Anyway, he told me that he was going to be the one who would always be there para kamustahin ako, just to make sure na I'd have someone to talk to about life, etc. Where's that person now?:|

I really don't know. It's just that this silence is making me so uncomfortable. Hindi ko lang siguro talaga naiintindihan ang mga nangyayari sa pagitan natin ngayon.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My love affair for the Acad Oval.


Tonight was the first time that I walked/jogged around the oval after graduation. And it still has the same effect on me. Just refreshing.

Well, let me give you a bit of a background to my post.

I have been a dormer for the first three years of my college life. That means I walked around the campus a lot. I went out to jog sometimes, either early in the morning like 5-ish or late at night like 9-ish. I have spent some nights just sitting at the Sunken Garden. Alone. In a big group. With a friend. Na-experience ko pa na two-way yung Acad Oval!

The Acad Oval.

Malapit sa puso ko ang Acad Oval. It has been the venue of so many meaningful conversations. Friendships started through that cyclical road. More importantly, my relationships with some people were strengthened through our Acad Oval moments.

During one of my low points last year, I rushed out of CMC because I couldn't help but cry (well because of my stupid emotions) and I didn't want to be seen by my friends. I found myself walking so fast. Before I knew it, I was already in front of the Vargas museum. If you're a frequent UPD visitor, you'd know that Zorro usually stands by that area. I looked up and saw him 10 meters away from me. I started to slow down my pace and quickly wiped my tears. Much to my anticipation, I received a slightly strong pat on the shoulder (should I describe it as a semi-shove? haha) and a "ang ganda mo!" from him. Sino ba namang hindi mapapatigil sa pag-iyak dahil dun? Hahaha.

Well basically, my point is andaming nangyayari sa Acad Oval. Pero di pa ako tapos magkwento...

After DZUP signed off kanina, Chryl and I decided to walk to Vinzons. Yes, after nag-jog na nga ako nung late afternoon, nag-stroll pa kami bago umuwi! Haha.

It was a super foggy night at UP. All the cars were sporting full-on headlights. Severe ang pagkasilaw ko! After people-watching for a few minutes, sinabi niya sakin na sobrang amazed daw siya sa pagkakaiba ng mga tao na nakakasalubong namin sa Oval. Which is very true naman. Sometimes, I even create storylines for the people I see. For example, si kuya na may malaking biceps pero may dala-dalang toy poodle. Or si ate na sobra-sobra ang pagpupunas ng pawis sa likod ng boypren niya. Meron ding estudyante na nakatingin lang sa daan habang hinahug yung makapal na libro.

These thoughts made me think about my own Acad Oval memories. I remember two summers ago, after Tropang Radyo, Gen and I would feel na bitin pa yung usapan so we would walk from CMC to Vinzons (sometimes even taking the longer cuts) so that we could talk more. Usually, we did this during her emotional/hormonal days. We walk, she talks, I listen. Slow clap naman for our dynamics! Hahaha.

During my Junior year din, Kem and I had a lot of interesting and memorable conversations along the Acad Oval when we he used to walk with me to my dorm after our TV prod class (dumadaan din kasi yung Ikot Jeep doon). Back when I was still a freshie, my Kalai group always went out for late night strolls just before curfew. And of course, how can I forget about my UP fair nights! The cold UP air and the silence was always refreshing. The orange lights from the lamp posts too.

The Acad Oval is like one of my life metaphors. It seems simple, cyclical even. But there are always detours. One way nga siya, but wait, may bicycle lane naman. Pwede pa mag-jogging! Maraming taong dumadaan. Minsan tumitigil, chikahan. Minsan, sasamahan pa ako. Madalas, come and go. But you never know when you'll bump into them again in the oval. Maraming humps, pero alam ko namang andyan lang yung humps to ensure na walang nag-ooverspeeding (sa buhay), at napapanatili ang safety.

Ang galing 'no?

Finally, na break-in na rin yung jogging shoes ko sa Acad Oval. It's about time, don't you think? Sayang naman eh sariling sweldo ko na ang pinanggastos ko dun. Hahaha.

I'm looking forward to more moments and memories at the Acad Oval. If I could, I would relive almost all of them. Words cannot explain how much I cherish every single one of them.

Hopefully I'll have the motivation to jog regularly. I'll keep this blog posted!:))

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A few days to go!

I've been backreading my blog for the whole day and I am amazed with how random my posts are. I mean, they're all about my feelings and thoughts, pero grabe yung mood swings ko!

It's funny because now I can see how I (as well as the state of mind) have changed in a year's time. I was really unstable a year ago. Konting trigger of sadness lang, breakdown na ako agad. I'm happy that it's not like that anymore.

Sa wakas, natapos din ang hangover ko sa kanya. And I thought it would never end! And tagal-tagal kasi eh bago ko na-reach yung peace of mind/heart na hinahanap ko. Yun nga lang, may iba na namang gumugulo sa isipan (at puso?) ko ngayon. Gumugulo talaga riiiight. Eh kasi naman, ang labo lang talaga. Di ko siya maintindihan. And ngayon, parang intentional pa yung hindi niya pagpansin sakin. Oh well papel. Let it be.

I hope that I have grown wiser over the past year. While backreading, I felt like I was reading someone else's thoughts. I swear, a zombie took over my body! A lovestruck zombie who didn't know what else to do. Hahahaha. Parang ang bipolar ko lang talaga. Rants all over the place. Open letters--as if they reach their intended recipients. HOHO. Retrospective thoughts.

Maybe one day I'll delete all the embarrassing and desperate posts. But I'll keep them for now. It's a bittersweet reminder of how I am being molded as a person. Sobrang pathetic talaga nung ibang sinasabi ko na nakakahiya pag nabasa ng mga taong hindi ko ever ieexpect na babasahin ang blog ko. Hahaha.

But as I have always said, this is my very personal space online. I made it public because for me there's satisfaction in publishing my feelings out in the open without letting too many people (except for the ones really interested) know about them. Siguro, may thrill na din yung secretly winiwish kong mas maiintindihan ako ng mga tao dahil nababasa na nila yung personal thoughts ko.:)

Malapit na mag-isang taon ang blog na ito. It's been there in so many phases of my life. Who knows, maybe when I'm older, I'll look back at these cheesy blogposts and laugh out loud.

And I just can't wait for that moment to happen!:)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Lesson not learned(?)


That's a print screen of my Cee Lo (as in Cee Lo Green--because of his song Forget/F*** you) influenced ramblings a few nights ago. Hahaha.

Yes, that's how I cope with emotional stress. If I can't talk it out, I type it away. As in type lang ng type.

I think my Cee Lo-influenced ramblings were caused by a Vampire Diaries episode. You know naman how I love that show. It was a result of Tyler and Caroline's scenes together. I don't know what hit me, but all of sudden I became so emotional to the verge of tears. Hahaha waley talaga pero whatever, I got over myself after a few minutes.

Maybe it was caused by hormones. If I remember it correctly, the red flag was raised two days later. Hehehe.

Yeah, just the hormones.

"Although there's pain in my chest,
I still wish you the best with a forget you. - Cee Lo Green"

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Check operator services.

Gusto ko nang i-click yung "send message" pero di ko magawa.

Universe conspiring with the shuffled playlist.

Don't you just love it whenever you listen to a song, tapos sobra-sobra yung pagtagos niya sa puso mo? Kahit masakit, parang biglang mas magaan yung nararamdaman mo kasi may nakaka-relate. Tapos kung masaya naman, extra happy dahil parang nakiki-celebrate sayo yung buong mundo through your playlist?:)

Arte-arte ko 'no? Hehe.