Maybe it's just a bad day?

I don't know what's happening.

I feel under-appreciated by everyone.

I feel so bad. Really really bad.

Would somebody please just hug me and tell me I'm valuable?

Can you please tell me that I'm worth something?

Spend time with me and make me feel that I have made an impact in your life, therefore it's worthwhile to let me stay in yours. And in the same way, stay in my life?

Because I need people who will willingly be there, without me making the effort.

Will you be one of them? Will you be a friend not just for now, but forever?

Will you stay?

What I need.

• Good sleep

Maybe what the article mama sent me is true. Maybe I'm this emotional because I lack good sleep. My sleeping habits are wild. No schedules of sleeping and waking up. Kahit ano lang basta wag ma-late as much as possible. Haha. Will try to have a more constant sleeping time in the weeks to go. I really really need this.

• Motivation

This one I need for my internship. I feel na I have so many more things to do at the campus, or for my other priorities na sobrang tinetake for granted ko lang yung internship ko. I wanna finish it already, but how will I do that if I keep on putting it off for other things diba? I need to finish my internship already before things start to get busier and tougher especially the acadS-related ones.:))

• His attention

I'm desperate. Gusto ko na siya ulit awayin. DON'T GET ME WRONG. Hindi na ito tungkol sa romantic expectations ko. I just want him to be around again. To want me to be his friend again. Feeling ko kasi, di na niya ako kailangan ngayon kaya di na rin kami nagkakasama. Ganun lang ba sa friendship? Pag may kelangan lang, tsaka lang andiyan? Parang andaya naman yata nun. I just want to feel my value as a friend to him. Kasi based on what I feel, what I observe, he won't even care if I don't talk to him for the next few weeks, not unless I don't reply on an acads-related message. NAKAKAINIS. Alam ko kasing I can be treated better than this.:((

Sana matapos na lahat ng struggles na ito.

This is the 10-day challenge I was talking about.

• Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
• Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
• Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
• Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
• Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
• Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
• Day Seven: Four turn offs.
• Day Eight: Three turn ons.
• Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
• Day Ten: One confession.

Exciting dibaaaaa?:D

Procrastination (in a blogger's context)

I will try to achieve the 10-day challenge later. Haha. Dapat last week pa diba? Well, natambakan na kasi ako ng things to do eh. Heehee.

Updates?

1. I'm home!!!:) Lola Amy, Lola Noemi, Uncle Boy and my fave cousin, Manong Justin, are here! It's such a fullhouse, and I'm sleeping at the family area--on the floor. Pero okay lang! At least happy all the time dito sa bahay. I'm looking forward to more fun family meal times. Hehe. Pagkain talaga dibaaaa?

2. I was able to attend the CSI alumni night kagabi! Haha. It wasn't exactly fun, but I enjoyed spending the time with Kriezl, Ysa and the others. We were like 12 lang or less pa from our batch, pero keri na din. Biglaan lang yung decision ko na humabol eh. As in mga 6pm, nasa may Ortigas pa lang yung bus. Tapos I noticed na hindi masyado traffic so I was estimating kung what time ako makakarating sa bahay. 8pm-ish? Cool! Then that means pwede pa akong humabol sa CSI! Haha. Eh andun naman si Ea, so I went there na din. Di na talaga nagbago ang CSI. Chaka pa rin forever ang food sa events. Tsk. Sayang pera! Haha. Sayang talaga. Anyway, I'm so excited to see my high school batchmates again! Spend time with them! Ngayon ko lang narealize how much I missed them. I still have some high school issues, pero keri na. I don't care anymore. Haha.

3. Still struggling. Nag-outburst ako last Friday night. Grabe. As in hagulgol level. Di ko alam kung bakit. I mean, I know what are the reasons behind it, pero di ko inexpect na ganun ka-grabe yung i-iiyak ko. Gen was unreachable so I called Kem instead. It made me feel better, but I couldn't really share what I felt with him for reasons that only Gen (and this blog) can understand. I feel slightly guilty because I can't share these things to him, considering na isa siya sa bestest friends ko. Oh well. He'll understand eventually. Buti na lang may unlimited. Kahit nonsense na yung talk, ok lang. No worries about load.

Ewan ko. I just feel that my feelings are so out of control. Dapat di masyado magpadala. Sa case ko ngayon, dapat mas gamitin ang utak. Maging logical at rational. Kasi kung magpapadala ako sa feelings ko, mapapahiya lang ako at lalong masasaktan. Dibey? Drama, pero totoo naman eh.

Nahihirapan ako magblog now. Andito kasi si Manong Justin sa likod ko. Haha. He might read the things I'm writing.:| Alam mo naman, nagpapakaprivate ako. HAHA. Who am I kidding right? I'm pouring my heart out into cyberspace, a public domain!=))

Just keep your mouths shut. Sikreto na natin lahat ito.;)

Lalalala

Today's going to be a better day.

I will forget that last night happened. Haha..

Ang OA ng mood swings ko! Grabe lang talaga. Nakakatawa. May paiyak-iyak effect pa ako kina Mama. Nakakahiyaaaaaa.

Oh well, what's done is done. LOL

P.S. I'm going to get my ID todaaaaaay!:)

Rant #927193612946539847629834

Bakit tuwing nafifeel ko na okay na ang lahat, bigla na naman akong nalulungkot?

Anong problema ko?

Hindi ko maexplain kung anong gusto kong sabihin. Basta ang alam ko, gusto ko mag-rant. Gusto ko umiyak. Gusto ko isigaw mga sikreto ko. Gusto ko maging 100% honest. Kahit anong blog ko, hindi tumatalab. Mabigat pa rin ang pakiramdam.

Bakit kaya ako nagkakaganito? Dahil ba deprived ako ng something na gustong-gusto ko? Dahil alam kong akin na dapat yon kaya lang nawala na naman?

Pero mali. Di dapat ganun yung epekto ng something na yon sa buhay ko.

Do I need to distance myself? No. Maraming beses ko na inaway 'tong argument na ito. It would be the illogical thing to do.

Ano baaaa.

Pasensya na. Alam kong sawang-sawa ka na magbasa tungkol sa drama ng buhay ko. Pwede mo naman i-close yung tab kung bored ka na. Tapos clean up mo na rin yung history para never ka na ulit mapadpad sa page ko.

Paulit-ulit na drama. Nakakainis. Lagi na lang nasisira araw ko dahil dito.

Masaya naman ako. Masaya talaga ako. Eto lang yung aspeto ng buhay ko na nakakalungkot. Oh well, ako lang naman ang nalulungkot tungkol dito diba?

Minsan tinatry kong i-share kay Gen, kaso parang ang babaw. Parang tinatanong ko yung sarili ko, "di ka pa rin ba over sa situation mong 'yan? Ilang buwan na? Baka naman naghahanap ka lang ng drama sa buhay? Pwede ba? Grow up!"

Tama bang sabihin ko yun sa sarili ko?

Or tama ba 'tong ginagawa ko na selective ang pag-atake sa bawat araw? May problema pero hindi pinoproblema? In the first place, may problema ba talaga?

Ako lang naman yata ang problema eh.

Here I am, trying to convince other people to let go of their miseries, when the truth is hindi ko ma-let go yung own miseries ko. Bakit ganun?

I'm such a LIAR.

Ok. Fine. 100 truths daw.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage - water!
2. last phone call - Ma'am Maeanne from RPN. (The guard wouldn't let us in at La Mesa Dam, eh we had to cover something there.)
3. last text message - Audrey? (reminder for her pre-test yata)
4. last song you listened to - Falling in love by Six part invention (Yeah, the Agua Bendita theme song. Bakit baaaa? Hahaha)
5. last time you cried - A few weeks ago? I don't remember these things. Sorry.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice - No. I don't think I've ever been on a "date" date.
7. been cheated on - Not sure.
8. kissed someone & regretted it - No.
9. lost someone special - Yes. And boy, do I have regrets about it. Haha.
10. been depressed - Yeah.
11. been drunk and threw up - Never!

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Purple
13. Yellow
14. Apple Green

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend - Yes!
16. Fallen out of love - Not yet. Haha. Bitter pa din.:))
17. Laughed until you cried - Yes! Many many times!
18. Met someone who changed you - Maybe.
19. Found out who your true friends were - Yes!:)
20. Found out someone was talking about you - Yeah, but not a bad way naman.
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list - On the cheek, yes.

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life - I think 95% of them I've already met and known personally. Usually old schoolmates naman yung bulk nun eh. As a rule, I don't add people that I don't know.:)
24. Do you have any pets - Nope. Wala akong patience mag-alaga ng pets. But we have 2 dogs at home.
25. Do you want to change your name - Not really. My second name? Let's say it has crossed my mind. Haha.
26. What did you do for your last birthday - It was a Sunday! I had lunch with my family tapos I stayed at home and replied to all the facebook greetings. Actually, my whole birthday week was very very memorable and very happy. I'll tell you more about it next time.
27. What time did you wake up today - 8am, then I slept again as usual. 9am officially.:)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night - @Tumblr? Haha.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - My internship to end! Haha. And sembreak, so that we can go house-hopping already!
30. Last time you saw your Mother - Last Monday before she left the house for office.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - I don't know. I believe that God has allowed things to happen in my life for a reason, a reason that I don't know yet as of this moment. So I don't think I'd like to change anything, lalo na that I know that everything's happening for the best.
32. What are you listening to right now - Asian Food Channel. Haha. Really!
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - Yes. Haha. Crush ko nung 1st year high school! (Hello high school friends! Nakakahiya. Hahaha.)
34. What's getting on your nerves right now - Nothing actually.:)

35. Most visited webpage - Google (because it's my homepage and all-around page!), Facebook (duh), Tumblr (favorite), Twitter (updates), Blogger (because I love my blog like that! Hahaha).
37. Nicknames - Bianca, Biancs, Bainca, Baincs, B, Yanca, Yancs, Bianquita, Amy, Amz
38. Relationship Status - Single since forever (c'mon, I'm bored already. LOL)
39. Zodiac sign - Aries.
40. Male or female? - Female.
41. Elementary? - Christian School International
42. Middle School - Christian School International
43. High school/College - Christian School International/UP Diliman
44. Hair colour - Really dark brown. Pag naarawan, sobrang kita yung pagkabrown niya, looks like I had it colored. Haha.
45. Long or short - Long now. And has really unruly-ish waves. Tsk.
46. Height - 5'3?
47. Do you have a crush on someone? - Yeah... At kung regular reader ka ng blog ko, alam mong it's more than just a crush. BWAHAHAHA.
48. What do you like about yourself? - I like the fact that I'm an all-around person, I'm flexible, and I'm a good friend.
49. Piercings - One on each ear.
50. Tattoos - None. Papa would kill me if I get one. LOL
51. Righty or lefty - Righty.

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery - Never pa! And I hope never ever na talaga.
53. First piercing - Ears.
54. First best friend - My TBFF, Reg!
55. First sport you joined - Does boardgames count? Hahaha. If not, Swimming then?
56. First vacation - Bacolod siguro.:)
58. First pair of trainers - I don't know if it was my first pair of trainers pero it was white with velcro straps and had B1, B2, Amy, Morgan and Lulu (Bananas 'n' Pyjamas!) printed on it!

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating - Not yet. After I finish answering this siguro.
60. Drinking - Nothing.
61. I'm about to - Prepare for school. Haha.
62. Listening to - Asian Food Channel. LOL
63. Waiting on - Him.

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? - Absolutely!:)
65. Get Married? - Yes!:)
66. Career? - I think I want to work at the media/communications department of some non-government organization, like UN or Unicef. Haha. I wanna contribute some good to the world. Idealistic ba?--But I also want to experience working in mainstream media (production aspect siguro). I want to be a good videographer. I want to make more music videos. I want to be rich. I want to have fun in whatever I'll be doing in the future. Andami kong gustong gawin.:))

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes - Eyes. They say a lot of things.
68. Hugs or kisses - Tight hugs. Heehee.
69. Shorter or taller - Taller than me.
70. Older or Younger - Older sana, or the same age. I've liked younger guys, pero yung halos age ko lang or a year younger. Haha.
71. Romantic or spontaneous - Romantic but spontaneous! I like being surprised by small things.:)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms - Nice arms? Para masarap mag-hug. Or chest, ganun. Hahahaha.
73. Sensitive or loud - Sensitive in what way? I don't want a loud guy. Maybe someone who knows when to talk and when to listen. So sensitive siguro?
74. Hook-up or relationship - Hook-up. JOKE. Relationship syempre. Longterm ako mag-isip.:))
75. Trouble maker or hesitant - Let's just say that I don't want trouble, but I want an exciting life.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger - Yes (but not on the lips. Haha.)
77. Drank hard liquor - Yes, but never been drunk because of that.
78. Lost glasses/contacts - Yes.
79. Sex on first date - NO!
80. Broken someone's heart - I think, yes, but hopefully it had no impact on them kasi I was young pa naman. Hahaha.
81. Had your own heart broken - Yes, many times. Stupid. LOL
82. Been arrested - Arrested by my parents? Haha. Joke. Nope.
83. Turned someone down - Yes. Hard to do!
84. Cried when someone died - Yes.
85. Fallen for a friend? - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Read my blogposts!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself - Usually.
87. Miracles - Yes.
88. Love at first sight - Could happen to some people, but not me.
89. Heaven - Yes!
90. Santa Claus - Dati! But then I caught Mama wrapping our gifts "from Santa Claus". LOL
91. Kiss on the first date - I don't know. If it's a friend you really know that well and you've known for a very long time, could happen. Pero if it's with a random person, definitely NO.
92. Angels - Yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than one bf/gf? - No. Single since forever.
95. Did you sing today? - Not yet.
96. Ever cheated on somebody? - No!
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? Highschool siguro. Made a lot of stupid decisions back then.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? Last year, di ko na alam eh. Pero this year it's a toss between February 11 or March 14 siguro.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - Not really. Why hold back love?
100. Posting this as 100 truths? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

bbbbb

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real. . .nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question. Don't google for answers!!!

Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: BIANCA
2. A four Letter Word: BENT
3. A boy's Name: BRYAN
4. A girl's Name: BELLE
5. An occupation: BABYSITTER
6. A color: BLACK
7. Something you wear: BRA
8. A food: BROWNIES
9. Something found in the bathroom: BASIN
10. A place: BAGUIO
11. A reason for being late: BEER
12. Something you shout: BIATCH
13. A movie title: BRING IT ON
14. Something you drink: BRANDY
15. A musical group: BLUE BOY BITES BACK
16. An animal: BUNNY
17. A street name: BAYWALK
18. A type of car: BUICK
19. A song title: BABY
20. A verb: BUY

WARNING!

I'm going to answer some surveys tonight. I'm sleepy but I don't want to sleep yet, so I'm going to waste my time with these surveys.

Answers may be false, sabaw and weird because it's already 1:19am. (That's my excuse.)

How do you teach your heart to become unselfish?

I'm supposed to do the Tumblr 10-day challenge tonight but I can't find the inspiration to write... the first challenge is to write ten things I want to say to ten different people right now. It's hard because I only have one person in my mind that I really want to talk to (and you already know who that person is, right???). Haha. I'm soooo predictable.

How am I?

Well, I'm pretty fine. Things have been going on really well for me. I auditioned for Tropang Radyo this afternoon. Hopefully matanggap ako kasi I really want to be part of the show.:) I finally have a thesis adviser! Kinupkop na ako ni Ma'am Rose. Sana we'll be able to work well together, at sana mag-jive yung ideas namin para maganda yung kinalabasan.

We watched Man of La Mancha kanina sa Comm110. Grabe. Ang pretty lang ni Sophia Loren. Defined facial structure. Bongga. Kahit pokpok level ang character niya, nagsastand-out talaga siya. Anyway, tuwang-tuwa si Ai and Gen kasi I suggested na we watch the movie na lang instead of a report/discussion. Kaya ayun, di masyado stressful ang class kanina.

My BC146 kilig music video project was major hit! Everyone loved it. Kahit naman ako, sobrang proud ako sa video na yun. I was smiling the whole time I was editing the vid. Ilang beses ko na pinapanood pero kinikilig pa rin ako. I can't wait for things like that to happen to me. Lalo na yung dancing in the rain part. Hahaha. Lumalabas na naman ang cheesy vibes ko. HAHAHA.

How's my heart?

My heart is not in an ideal place to be in right now. It's still selfish as usual, wants someone who doesn't want me back in the same way. But I'm not struggling anymore. I can act normally again. I can be makulit and very malambing na ulit. I can hug him again without having second thoughts about it. In short, I still like him. Very much. But it's a controlled liking. It doesn't manifest anymore. But at least, I'm not lying to myself. At hindi ko na rin pinapahirapan sarili ko diba? All these too shall pass, in His perfect timing.

I'm watching MyxMo now. Moonstar88's playing Torete. Grabe lang timing, teh.

Ano ba yaaan. Emo ko na naman. At least I'm kind of happy now, and more relaxed (I think). Hopefully magpatuloy lang lahat ng good vibes na nararamdaman ko.

Ikaw, kamusta ka na?:)

Why am I doing this again?

I am watching cheesy stuff, all because I made a cheesy video project for BC 146.

WAAAAH. Ang sayaaaaaa.

Can you feel my kilig? And my happiness?

Bahala na yang struggle na 'yan. Good vibes na tayo all the way!:)

Now I have to go to school. More good vibes (hopefully)!

:*

An awkward kind of peace.

It's a funny feeling when you know things are over. Parang may peace, but an awkward peace because you're not really convinced that things are over. Haha. It's a really weird feeling, but I'm happy that I'm feeling this weirdness. LABO? Hindi ah. Hahaha.

Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang mga bagay-bagay, pero bahala na si God doon. Obviously, He has a different plan for me. Ang bilis, or maybe hindi pa naman talaga over, pero I'm getting there. I can feel it, as in! Exciting!:) Haha. I just can't wait to get out of this phase without forcing myself to get out of it. Alam mo yun? Natural happening lang? And besides, I'm so happy with how situations are turning out. Wala nga akong lovelife but things are pretty much okay na. In fact, they're better now! I can be my normal self again, not overthinking and overanalyzing things.

Lately things have been pretty much okay. Siguro kailangan ko lang mag-work more for my acads kasi medyo di ko namimeet yung expectations ko. Alam mo naman, grade-conscious na ako since forever. Ironic nga lang kasi tamad talaga ako. HAHA. Org work is heavy as usual. Di ko nga alam bakit ko ba tinanggap 'tong posisyon na 'to. Tsk tsk tsk. Hahaha. Too late for regrets. Nasa kamay ko na lahat eh.

Oh well, Lord, salamat sa mga nangyayari ngayon. At least hindi na ako confused. At least may decision na ako. Alam ko na kung anong dapat mangyari at kung anong dapat kong gawin.

:)

Struggles part 2

Why is it always hard to do the right thing?

Now I realize that I have to shut-up. I have to stop ranting to other friends (selected friends na lang). I have to stop thinking about the situation. I have to withdraw myself from the situation and reposition myself.

Why do things have to be like this?

Why can't we just fall in love and live happily ever after?

I have to stop asking myself WHY. Stop asking questions to myself.

THIS IS DAY1.

I think I'm ready.

Finally! Someone has talked some sense to me. Thanks Ate Mai-mai! Haha.

I must admit, everyday has been an emotional struggle for me the past few weeks. Because I know I'm falling harder and harder for a person that I know cares for me but won't ever care enough for me. It's a hard fight especially because I have become extremely fond of the person.

It's the "I-like-him-BUT-I-don't-want-to-like-him" dilemma all over again. This time I'm more open to the fact that yes, I do like him (even if it seems that I don't). And this isn't just some happy crush. I don't know why I'm more serious this time. Maybe because I've asked myself "WHY NOT?"

But I know it's wrong. I should stop myself, or control myself, from investing emotions on him because I know this will lead to nothing. Siguro akala ko dati may patutunguhan pa, pero parang unti-unti kong narirealize ang bitter truth. It was just a phase. Once again, I'm just part of a phase.

I hate the fact that I'm just a phase in the love aspect of his life because I think I deserve more than that. But I guess it's my fault for realizing what I want just now when the situation's different. And I guess I kind of pushed him away too. I hate the fact that he let me push him away because if he wanted me, he should've opposed me. He should've been in control of his feelings and not dependent on me. This just shows how unserious he was with me. I was confused then. Sorry. Maybe we were just both confused back then.

When will this stop? I don't know. I'd really want for it to stop because it's just a waste of emotions. God. Why can't somebody new just come along so I'd be thinking about someone else, not him. I try to release these emotions through my blog, by talking to friends, but this burden that I feel, it never goes away. What should I do? How do I release this heaviness that I feel? Ok lang sana kung walang burden eh, pero meron talaga eh.

I try talking to Gen about this but she can't really relate to me because she has never been just a phase, and her heart's in a very ideal situation right now. I mean, sa kanya ko lang talaga naaamin lahat-lahat eh.

I know I'm good for him, but this? This isn't good for me. Haha. Ang self-righteous ko lang right?:))

How do I stop myself from falling deeper? I can't distance myself from him. Eh di na-obvious naman ako right? Although he has a tendency to be very dense naman. There's this probability that he won't notice it. Hehehe. I don't know the answers to my questions.

Well, I just wish we could talk about it, hindi yung iniiwasan namin lahat ng opportunities to talk about what happened. I wish I was braver and stronger. Up to now, I still feel that I'm in a balancing act, with the thin rope trembling hard. Honestly, I still don't know my place. Feels like friends with emotional benefits to me. But that is never a healthy relationship right?

Until then, it will continue to be a struggle. I will struggle to be fine. I will work hard to be okay about things, about him liking somebody else also. I may seem imba at times, but let's just say that'd just be a coping mechanism. I won't pretend to be happy about everything but I'll try to set my sights to the better things in this situation.

Struggling sucks.:|