Run run run away...

The Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)

Copeland

It's sure as the floor 'neath my toes
And somehow not surprised
That I was superimposed, somehow in this life
And if my friends and my foes would just drop me a line, it'd be nice.

You see love is a drink that goes straight to my head
And time is a lover and I'm caught in her stare
And the sentiment there follows me straight to my bed through the night

I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...

What could be an anchor here, with a storm on the rise,
When you never meant to see so clear, when smoke gets in your eyes
And the men in the moon never makes his replies
Understood

I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...

For a moment I was one man and the world made sense
For a moment in this storm made of consequence

I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...

Be thankful..

..because I'm not the type who spills around baggage and other secrets on FB. HAHA!

At least I have the courtesy to keep things in private a.k.a. abuse PM services. Heehee.

Peace out to you, sort-of best friend. =)

My God is so big! So strong and so mighty! There's nothing my God cannot do!:))

Okaaaaaay. Ang dramatic ko naman last night. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

It's amazing how the Lord sends us little reminders all the time.:)

That He is always in control.

That He has a perfect plan.

That we should not worry about these small struggles because we have a bigger God.

Therefore, I should be strong and take courage in Him. Good morning!:)

Dear blog..

Nagsasawa ka na rin ba sa mga kwento ko? Sa mga self-pity moments ko? Sa kacheesyhan ko sa buhay?

Kasi sawang-sawa na ako.

Sobrang saya ko for the past few days. Seriously. Nasa mood ako magbihis. Kahit shirt and jeans lang, keri pa din kasi sobrang okay yung pakiramdam ko. Nakangiti agad ako kada-gising ko. Wala naman akong big reason to be happy. Parang biglang nagswitch lang yung mood ko.

Sana ganun na lang palagi. Ayoko na sa mga random down moments like this. Kasi naman eh, binasa ko pa ulit yung summer diary ko. AARGHH! Summer, why did you have to happen?

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want my happy persona back. This crazy emo and sentimental biatch is eating me alive. Pagod na ako. Seryoso 'to. Ayoko na talaga.

Pwedeng magkaroon ng selective amnesia? Ayoko na maapektuhan. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam eh.

When will I stop being this emotional, moody and sentimental?:/

If I had a choice, I'd take back that night. Di na dapat kasi nangyari yun eh. Hindi talaga.

Multiple takes.

I have rehearsed that conversation in my head for about a million times lang naman. Yet I still think it will never take place. Labo 'no? HAHA

Kanina sa bus, nabuo ko na finally yung conversation. How to start it. What I will say. How I will end it. Basta, lahat na ng considerations, tinake-note ko na! Pero I ended up with the thought that this conversation will never take place.

Ideal situations. TSK. Namaaaan. Hirap mo ma-achieve!

Buti pa ang StreetSmART, keri achib!:))

PINK is the color... of happiness (for today only)

What is it with pink and the image of "glowing"?

I wore a pink top to school today (with my happy-colored scarf) tapos binati ako ng karamihan na nakasalubong ko.

Haha. Funneh.

But I felt good today. Mejo at peace na ako with my mind, with my heart. Ayiiii. Anyare? Hahaha. Labo pa rin, sir!

But today was good. Really good. Hopefully the rest of the week will be better.

Refocus Biancs! Refocus!

ROAST beef, o ROAST me? HAHA

I will find somebody great. I WILL. (Thank you Pete and Addison for reminding me. I can't wait for Private Practice's new season!)

In the meantime, thesis mode muna. Tomorrow, mabubunutan ako ng isang malaking tinik. HAHA. God bless na lang sa lahat ng nagtithesis. THESIS IT!!!=)

I'm also excited for our BC 172 projects. I believe that our batch has been blessed with so many talents, so much potential for greatness. Sana ma-reflect yun sa works namin. At sana maging okay na ang lahat-lahat. No more conflict. Wala nang agit.

It was Gen's birthday roast at Tropang Rad'Yo kanina and it was my second time as guest katropa. Heehee. Nakakahiya, natatakot ako na magbalik sa program after the break because I don't know what to say. Or I know what to say, di lang ako confident. HAHAHAHA. Yaaak. Nahihiya ako. It was fun to grill Gen, but it was more fun to see her get grilled.:)) I actually knew most of her answers kasi napag-uusapan naman namin eh.

What's it like to be grilled? I've never been grilled, well, except for the occasional truth or dare questions. Usually ako yung nag-iinterview eh. Sabagay, wala namang mapipiga sa akin. Hoho.

But I'd like to be grilled. SPOTLIGHT? Hahaha. Wala lang, masaya lang na ikaw yung pokus ng attention ng lahat for about an hour. Diba?:)) Naku, napaghahalata tuloy na I seek for attention. BWAHAHAHA.

Wag na nga. Shutting up. Heehee.:p

Is this the moment of peace?

I think I have made up my mind. After nights of endless debates of what to follow, my head or my heart, I have decided to follow nothing. To let this pass. To try to be normal.

Wala na kasi talaga akong aasahan pa. Tapos na. The more I debate on what to do, the more I fall for the person, the deeper I dig my own grave.

So that's it then? We'll see if this new strategy works.:)

P.S. As usual, tama yung secondary assumptions ko, the posts weren't about me. Sayang. I almost wished that they were about me. I guess this isn't my time yet. God has other plans.

P.P.S. Lord, pwedeng the next time I fall for someone, mas magmeet naman yung feelings namin? Kasi tingnan Niyo po yung past situations ko: the guy falls for me but I don't like the guy, I like the guy but it's totally one-sided, tapos yung pinakarecent, ni-like ako nung guy, but when I realized na I like him back, nawala na yung feelings niya for me. Sana lang talaga, magmeet kami at some point. Salamat po!

P.P.P.S. Note to self, breathe. Be who I really am. Don't be emo. Wag na magparinig. Be happy. Maximize my last year in college. Surround self with people who cherish my presence. Stop hating and spread the love. Good vibes? Good vibes!

Assumerang gagita.

Ano baaaa.

Tinatamaan ako.

Wag ka ngang ganyan!

Hahahahahaha. I know, this is weird.

I know that most probably it's not about me. But I keep on having doubts eh. Maybe it is about me? Nah. You're too slow and too dense to even realize that. Assumera lang ako.

Kill me now =)))))))))))))))))))))))

Barely breathing

It's adorable how music really finds me and gives me comfort during my sickest moments. There is a special song for every heartache that I feel.

Two weeks ago I was "stuck on a verse" by Kate Walsh, but right now, Barely Breathing's the tune.

It's such a bitter and selfish song. But it just screams out loud some of the things I'm feeling right now. So does that mean na bitter na rin ako at selfish? Hahahahahaha. Joke time.

If only I could skip this phase and stop being this emotional. But I wasn't built that way. In my context, feelings always linger a little longer than they are supposed to. Give me two years to move on because a few months just won't do. I really could allot these emotions, time and thoughts to other people and other things para di na sila wasted. La la la. Wala na.

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
It must've been that yesterday was the day that i was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious, you hafta ask me why
I say goodbye...

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I am kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the prize and worth the price
The price that I would pay

And everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? Only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, it's worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I'm thinking it over anyway

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You Come and go
Please don't come and go

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the prize and it's worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I'm thinking it over anyway...

And I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear

Haven't you heard?

I can't concentrate. I can't because I don't really want to. Waaah. Scary. What if I fail my exam bukas? No. I don't think so. Maybe God's grace will pull me through? Haha. Hindi naman pwedeng ganun. Dapat may own efforts din.

I'm so sleepy. Lately, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Last night, napanaginipan ko siya. It was a peaceful and quiet dream. Wala. It just ended na masaya, and then I woke up.

But I can't sleep yet. There's so much that I need to study pa.:| I don't know if I should re-read the readings? Or should I just focus on my notes? Di ko alam kung paano magbigay ng exam si Chito eh. Kaya siguro hindi rin ako kampante.

If I had a choice, I'd gladly sleep na. Tomorrow's going to be a long day pa fo sho. But I have no choice. Got to study. Study my ass off. Pfft.

LSS for the past 4 days: Your Song by Kate Walsh.

Haven't you heard, I'm stuck on a verse.

I'm stuck on a boy, that fills me with joy.

I knew I was wrong to jump straight into

This picture so pretty,

But he is so pretty to me.

Nakakapanibago.

I can't believe I'm studying for an exam now. The difference is, I think I don't know how to actually "study" anymore. Hahaha. Nasanay na kasi ako sa paggawa ng papers, essays, reports, even productions. Nalimutan ko na parte nga pala ng pagiging estudyante ang exam.:))

Comm 110. Media Ethics. How do I even begin to study for you?

The way I see it, parang personal values and beliefs lang din ang Media Ethics eh. Do what you think is moral and right. Stick to your journalism and broadcast values. Strive to be credible. Be responsible. Aim to serve the public and not private interests.

Bakit pa kelangan ng exam? Dapat dito, practicum!

@_@

So the title is "when love and hate collide" pala.

Wise words from Def Leppard:

"You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind."

Hahaha. Maybe keri naman ito? Whatcha think?

Maybe I've made up my mind already?

La la la la...

Ang saya ko lang. I've accomplished our BC 146 quiz. Btw, BC 146 is our video editing class. Akala ko nung una mahirap, mejo madali lang pala yung take-home quiz? Heehee. Wala lang. Masaya lang yung feeling na may naaccomplish na something.:)

Masaya rin ako dahil 10 hours na lang ang kailangan ko to complete my internship. Yahooooooooooooo! Sana matapos ko na this week para marami na ulit akong free time. Nafifeel ko na yung stress eh. Hindi na ako mapakali. Eh hindi naman ako usually ganito.

Stressed ako, seriously. Pero di naman halata. Weird. Pero I can really feel the pressure. Tapos parating pa yung period ko (TMI?? HAHAHAHA) kaya parang rollercoaster ride yung emotions ko. Haha. EWAN.

Tapos nagkataon pa na andami kong decisions to make. Eh hindi pa naman ako magaling na decision-maker. I mean, sobrang tagal bago ako maka-make ng decision. Or baka hindi lang ako fearless when it comes to risks.

That's why up to know, dilemmas ko pa rin yung mga dilemmas ko. I'm afraid to face them? Ewan ulit.

I'm excited for this week. medyo marami akong goals na sinet for myself. I don't know if maaccomplish ko sila. We'll see.

Go go go!

Happy la la la la

Sa totoo lang, I'm happy. This feeling, it makes me smile. Haha.

Chos.

Ang cheesy.

Yak.

Pero totoo naman eh. Nalulungkot lang ako when I think about the struggle. Tuwing naalala ko na hindi perfect ang situation. Most likely ay hindi siya happy ending. One-way lang siya.

But it makes me happy right? So does that mean na somehow, it's okay to have these feelings?

I don't have to reject them? To block them? To suppress them?

Kasi honestly, I really don't wanna suppress them. Maybe I do want him to know about all these things? Maybe I want to be expressive, to come clean?

Haha. This is crazy.

The debate between my head and my heart is still a tight fight. Mejo nagpaparinig nga lang ang heart na sana, siya naman ang mas pakinggan ko this time around.

Tama ba yun?

Hahaha. EWAN!

This is SO not me.:))

So nagpaka-emo na naman ako. Keri? Keri! Achib? Achib!

And my day is just starting. It's just 7:14am on my clock. Ano kaya mangyayari today? I'm sure, a lot of things are still coming my way today.

Good vibes namaaaaaan plez. GV! GV! GV! GV!

:)

ANOBANOMONITO.

I'm confused again.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to open up about these feelings to Rox and Joy. Malamang. Every time I do that, finoforce ko ang sarili ko na mag-reminisce at pag-isipan ulit lahat-lahat ng nangyari.

They both told me that I should go talk to him. But then again, what should I tell him? Should I tell him that I've been miserable ever since he has left me in a hanging state? That I hate the fact that I should act as if nothing happened? That I hate him for not pursuing me? That I hate myself for not being able to control these feelings?

Naiinis na ako kasi kinoconsume ng miserable feelings na 'to ang thoughts ko. Pati blog ko, puro tungkol na lang sa kanya! Eh andami kong ibang kwento na pwede i-post diba?

Ten hours ago, nag-decide na akong kakausapin ko siya. As in once and for all, I will tell him everything para na rin tumahimik na ako. Para makuha ko na ang peace of mind na hinahanap ko. But I saw something that made me again, reconsider what I should really do. Because honestly, we're sooooo okay right now. As in.

I have prayed for this before. I asked God to take it away if it isn't for me. Is this Your answer, God? Is it time for me to just let it pass and let it go? Ang hirap pala lalo na if it's something that I really want.

How did that small confession become such a big deal to me?

I can feel my feelings progressing. As in increasing to a level that's too serious for my situation. How do I stop caring about a person who doesn't care for me in the same way? How do I stop myself from pushing myself to get hurt even more? Kasi it looks like I"m the one who's digging my own grave. Ako naman talaga nagpupush sa sarili ko eh.

I want to stop talking about it, kaso based on experience, naiipon lang siya when I don't talk about it. Like last time, when I cried while talking to mama. Napa-confess tuloy ako ng di oras. Haha. IMAGINE, NAPAIYAK NA AKO NG SITUATION NA ITO AND THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO ME NORMALLY! Pero feeling ko kasi ang childish niyang bagay so I can't really open up to my friends as much as I should. Parang installment basis lang lagi ang mga kwento ko. Di ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko.

Honestly, I thank God for these feelings. At least alam ko na I'm not numb, and I get hurt as well. It's not a happy thing, duh, but I guess it just proves that I am, after all, a human. UGH. This situation really sucks.

We'll see what'll happen in the days to come. To talk or not to talk, I don't know the answer.

Paano mo malalaman na...?

Guess what the quesiton is! HAHA. What a cheesy question. Tsk.

Malalaman mo kapag lahat na lang ng blog entries mo ay tungkol sa kanya to the point na paulit-ulit na ang mga scenarios na kinukwento mo dahil hindi ka makaget-over sa fact na oo, nangyari nga lahat ng 'yon. At mejo irreversible na yung process.

Malalaman mo kapag pikit mo, siya unang naiisip mo. Tuwing naglalakad ka mag-isa, winiwish mo na kasama mo na lang sana siya.

Malalaman mo kapag daan niya, winiwish mo na sana ikaw ang unang babatiin at lalapitan niya.

Malalaman mo kapag sa bawat love song na naririnig mo ay siya ang unang pumapasok sa isip mo at naapply mo sa context ng relasyon niyo.

Malalaman mo kapag nagigising ka na tuwing madaling araw sa kaiisip sa kanya.

Malalaman mo kapag napapanaginipan mo na siya in a romantic context. Minsan nga, ayaw mo na gumising sa realidad.

Malalaman mo dahil sa bawat ngiti, sa bawat pagbati at sa basically sa lahat-lahat ng bagay na ginagawa niya sayo, kinikilig ka (deep inside).

Malalaman mo kapag hindi mo maamin sa kanya dahil alam mong may posibilidad na ikasira nito ng pagkakaibigan niyo.

Malalaman mo dahil para kang martyr na ginagawa ang lahat para sa kasiyahan niya, kahit pa ibig sabihin nito ay di na mapapasayo pa ang tanging kagustuhan mo.

AYAN. Diyan tayo magaling eh.=))

Heeheeheeheehee.

Bakit si Bendita, kahit tubig-kanal, may lovelife?

Oo, intimidating na ako. At mature. At masyadong sensible. Pero mali ba maging ganun?

HAHAHAHAHA.

JOKE.=))

The GRATEFUL project :)

While I was riding the jeep home earlier tonight, I was just thinking about how miserable I've become and how affected I've been with regards to other people's actions towards me. (YEAH RIGHT) I know this isn't me. It's all just a terrible phase. A VERY VERY TERRIBLE phase of mine. Maybe all teenagers, though of different backgrounds, undergo this "I'm Worthless" phase? Haha.

The difference is, I know I'm not worthless.:)

And I also know that there are still some people out there who would do anything just to see me happy and okay.

So I thought about the GRATEFUL project. It's a 30-day project where in I'm supposed to list down the things I'm thankful for each day. I know there's a lot of 'em. In this way, I will be forced to look at the bigger picture and not just at the small hole in my chest.

I will still be posting my regular emotional shit. Heehee. I know you like this miserable state. Parang madrama kasi talaga.:)) Like later, I'm going to post something too. Haha!

30-day project? Lez go!:)