Get ready for another loooong post. I just need to release these thoughts. The usual therapeutic effect of blogging. Bwahaha.
You know what? I'm going to start planning my life. As in written plans.
A few months ago, I stumbled into a concept called the "uncalculated" life. A life composed of randomness, excitement, opportunities and risks. The exact opposite of my very calculated life. People know me as the overthinker. I'm always very conscious of what people think of me. I don't like making unsafe choices. It doesn't mean that I'm a boring person, but I've always preferred the safer side over the edgier choices.
I think the concept of the uncalculated life came from a movie. Suddenly I decided to be more relaxed... to let the wind blow me to wherever. Take more risks. Be more random about life.
Maybe I just became too random. As the lovely song from All Time Low says, "too much of anything is too much". Maybe I've forgotten to establish a compromise from the two perspectives.
As much as I love the randomness and the spontaneity of my life events, it's tiring and sometimes frustrating not to have any security in life. And people tend to take you less seriously (which I'm beginning to really really hate now). Maybe it's time to grow up a little bit more. I know, I'm still young and I should have the time of my life. It's just that sometimes, I want something more concrete? Something I could lean on to?
Don't take this the wrong way. I'm just going to make plans, and try to fulfill them. For example, what career path I'm headed. I can't say yes to every job offer, and I can't stay at my comfort zone forever. I think it'll be refreshing to finally pursue something that I can build a career on? Another thing, investments. I'm living on my own now. People think that it's just a random move, but it's not. So many responsibilities have been added on my list since I moved in. I have to pay rent, clean, do groceries, pay utilities, laundry, and start on making that little house our home. It's a major investment, my dear.
As hard as it seems, I think it's going to be a major achievement if I do get to transform that house into a comfortable living space for me and my housemates. And I'm excited. It seems like a small step, but believe me, it's a major step towards my independence.
Not that I'm rushing or anything. But I'm working after all.
Anyway, aside from the house, I have to take my job more seriously. Yes, I love my job. I love the staff. I love being at the station. But most of the time, I ALSO have to remind myself that this isn't RC work anymore. I'm not just playing around. I have actual responsibilities in a functioning and growing radio station. And whatever I'm doing now, this is ground work for whatever other job I'll end up in. Diba?:)
Another thing, I have to stop playing with my own feelings. Yes, you read it right. Last year, I told myself that I'm going to be more open to possibilities, stop being manhid, be more sensitive, allow myself to feel, ALL THE CHEESY STUFF... thus, I started wearing my heart on my sleeve. Grabe, what a ride. I have experienced lots of ups, but lots of downs as well. Now I'm thinking if I made the right decision.:/ Maybe I should've been a little wiser, not letting small things affect me. It was easier back when I didn't really care about these things. Now that I've start caring about these issues, I've become more emotional and more vulnerable to the little things. And I'm not used to this side of me.
I HAVE TO FIND THAT COMPROMISE.
Or maybe I lack prayer? I admit, I have been distant lately to Him, trying to do things on my own. Yes, I know that's a very big mistake and a very foolish thing to do. I just feel that I'm not worthy sometimes. Again, I've been involved in too many Bible studies, cell groups, small groups, DGs, etc to know that it is by His grace and not our actions that we receive blessings. I know He has blessed me with so much and He has never let me go. It just sucks that I know all of these things yet I don't apply it in real life. It's shameful.
I have to get back on track. And I have to find my way soon. I just don't like this feeling of being in a limbo.
How I pray that this is just a test. Maybe God is just teaching me a lesson. Maybe He's just showing that I should cling on Him, rather than expect so much from myself? We're not that strong after all, but His strength is immeasurable.
Oh, life is hard. Exciting but hard. Good thing that I have a good support system. And of course, I have God to bring me through. Thank God that He has given me this positive perspective in life. I may have my own issues, but I'm in a waaaay better situation compared to everybody else, don't you think?:))
I'd like to think of life as a story with many chronicles. I'm still standing on the first chapter of another chronicle. Very far from the end. But at least I'm moving forward.
Hahaha. Hold on, Bianca! And hold tight. But also know when to let go.;)