“Don’t sacrifice yourself too much, because if you sacrifice too much there’s nothing else you can give and nobody will care for you.” -Karl Lagerfeld
I just picked that one up from Tumblr. It's something I posted a day ago yata? I just wish I could take quotes like this more seriously. Sometimes I stretch myself, I try to do things for others and then I expect them to do the same thing for me, but of course, it is never reciprocated. Just like tonight. I needed someone to be extra sensitive to what I'm feeling. Alam mo yun? Yung hindi ko na kailangan sabihin na "Yes, I don't feel okay tonight. Can you please stay up and talk some sense into me?" As usual, wala na naman akong kausap. That's why I resorted to this pathetic rant-y blog.
December has been good to me. I could not ask for more.:) I think this has been one of the most epic months of the year. 1) super okay na kami ni Kem. 2) andaming applicants ng RC! 3) I did things that I have never done before. 4) I bonded with new friends, and by bond, hindi lang basta-bastang bonding. 5) kasal ni ate Maimai! 6) I spent time with people whom I think will play roles in my life even after college.:) Now, isn't that wonderful?
So why am I down all of a sudden, to think na Devember 23 na. Just another night and then Pasko naaaa. Well, it's the heart department again. I swear, this is my weak point. I don't know what makes me so emotional? I really don't get it. I hope I understand myself soon.
Well, let's put it this way. It has come to my attention, and I guess all of you know this by now, that I sort-of fell in love with someone earlier this year. Things did not go the way I hoped they would go, so my feelings were put to waste. I was miserable. Yes, you can read my archives. I. was. miserable. I was able to accept the situation. Lying to others that yeah, I was moving on, when in fact the feeling was still there. It still kept me awake at night. It made every bus ride emotional. Fuck. I hate emotional bus rides. Lam mo yun? Mag-isa ka na nga, tapos gabi pa, tapos malamig, tapos sarili mo lang kausap mo. Ay nako.
Well, I 'fessed up. I told the truth when I felt that it wasn't relevant anymore, but you see I was kidding myself. I kept talking, using the past tense i.e. I liked you back then blahblahblah, when I was still feeling the same way at that exact moment. I'm stupid. I know. But I knew that it didn't matter anymore.
And things got better. Well, I tried to ignore whatever I was feeling, even to my closest friends. I told them I was better. I was feeling better naman talaga. Kaso the outbursts were just insane (okay, this is an exaggeration). I had to keep them controlled. And I had to find a way to vent out those outbursts privately. This blog was not an option back then. Too many people knew the site. I guess now that the "hype" has died down and less people check out their blogger accounts. Besides, there are only two followers of this blog. Hi Abs and Fritz!:)
Now I can say that I couldn't ask for more. Everything's great and back to normal!:)
...
Yes, things are so great that I cried earlier tonight because I realized that things were too great. Too great to be ruined by my left-over feelings. Nakakainis. Nakakaiyak. Natatawa ako sa sarili ko kasi this was supposed to be nothing. I mean, NOTHING HAPPENED. But why does this seem so real? And so hurtful? Ang tagal tagal tagal na. Napaglipasan na ng panahon. Pero bakit ganun pa din? Nagsasawa na ako.
Ang dali-dali kasi sabihin na "Okay, ayoko na".
I think one of the best things about last Sundays slumber party (besides it being WILD) was the fact that they allowed me to feel whatever I wanted to feel. A part of me also blames myself for allowing myself be as free as I was that night. I have experienced happiness in that freedom to feel anything I wanted to feel, and it makes me feel bad that I won't be feeling that way anytime soon.
I don't know why up to know it has been an issue with me. It's gone a long way from over, yet I'm still here. Sir Dex tells me that I should make a decision soon. He asks me if it's worth it. Honestly, I feel that it is worth it. It is. But I never got to really tell him how I felt. Would that have made a difference?
But maybe it is already too late. It's just me left with my wasted feelings. Haha. I cannot believe that this has happened again, when I had promised myself before that I would be more careful next time.
See Bianca? What happens when you let your guard down?
Siguro napagpalit ko yung reality sa isang panaginip. I cannot be selfish, but I will not allow myself to still be like this. What will happen next year? I don't know.
It's two days before Christmas and I am in denial.
Fine. I'm ashdalskjdhajsdhlaks a.k.a. heartbroken. I am not that okay.
...
However, I realize that Christmas isn't about me, right? It's about Him. HOHO. This is just a single aspect of life. I'm happy to be home with my family! I'm pigging out and being merry despite this. I'll dress up tomorrow and have a great Christmas eve dinner. He has blessed me with so much this year, so much compared to a heartbreak that only He can heal.
It's super unlikely that you'd get to read this. Haha. Anyway. To you who broke my heart, don't worry, I still love you. I only have good thoughts for you. It'll take time before you end as a "phase" in my heart department, but I want you to be around because I do like being your bestfriend more than anything else. So if ever you stumble upon this crazy outburst, please don't change, please stay the same. Please?:)
To you who is clueless about everything I am saying, thank you for reading 'til the end. Thanks for making me feel a little less lonely tonight. I only wish the best for you this Christmas time. May God grant your wishes. May you never feel the misery that I felt. HAHA.
Merry Christmas everyone!:)
