Project Forgive Self

If the me seven months ago were to meet me now, would it be delighted? I really doubt it.

I have this sembreak goal. I won't spill the exact details yet. Maybe I'll just tell two to three weeks from now whether I was successful or not. I really wish that I become successful, because I don't like these feelings anymore. I don't like these sad moments. They are becoming more and more frequent. I don't want to be like this.

I have become this miserable person. Yes, I still laugh a lot. I still go out with my friends. I'm still happy most of the time. Life's actually awesome. It's just that these sad and quiet moments are killing me! How do I let go of these moments and move on? Please, please, please let me move on.

I'm becoming frustrated with myself. How can I let something like that ruin a part of me? It's actually not his fault. It's my fault for being so controlling and so insecure and so overanalytical. So now I have my regrets. I want to act on the situation I have imposed on myself, but I cannot control the rest of the factors. Therefore, I cannot act on the situation. And it's harder because this only exists in my side of the story. Everyone else is fine. Is great actually. And I'm not. It's hard to forgive yourself.

Okay. So the sembreak will be my escape. I guess it is the perfect time since I'm away from everyone else. I'm back in my hometown. Odds are I'll be meeting up with old friends, and people who used to know the old (and I think better) me. Maybe a better Bianca will emerge in three weeks time?

There are so many things that I want to do. Hopefully I'd be able to them all.

When the next semester starts, will things be better? Will I feel better?

This time I won't have any expectations. I guess that's the reason why I get frustrated all the time. Because in my world, everything is ideal. In the real world, it isn't.

I'm so pressured because I know that it's going to my last semester in college. I know things will be different afterwards, and I'm afraid that people will soon forget me. I want this last semester to be memorable (in a good way).

Me and my insecurities. Bow.

P.S. Next time, I'll try to post something funny or happy. Ang drama-drama ko na lang palagi. Nakakasawa na diba? Haha