***
I don't feel okay right now. Mixed emotions: I feel left behind, I'm feeling competitive over something useless, I feel irrelevant, I feel ugly, I feel unliked, I feel guilty..
I could go on and on right? But I won't because it's useless anyway.
I just got home tonight. Sobrang tagal nung biyahe kasi super traffic sa may skyway. Sabi nila it's because of the buses. I think it's because of the people. Andami talagang tao eh. Nagsisiksikan sa maliit na mundo. Hinahanap ang kanya-kanyang lugar. Ayan tuloy, nag-aagawan ng pwesto.
Facebook's kind of boring lately. I want to delete my account, kaso masyado akong chismosa to do that. Pano na yung mga sinostalk ko?
LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.
I have been alive for almost 20 years but I still have not learned that lesson well. I know I have been blessed with a good life, good people surround me, but I still feel inadequate and incomplete. Haha. This is funny kasi eto usually ang dilemma pag hindi ka okay sa faith mo diba? Hello Bianca. More than 12 years ka sa isang Christian school. Lumaki ka sa church kung saan sinasabi na sapat na si God para sa lahat-lahat ng kelangan mo. Lumaki ka with Christian friends and family. Grade 3 ka pa lang, part ka na ng isang Bible study group. More than 4 disciplers na ang nagtiyaga sayo. Tatlong taon ka na naglilead ng small groups. Bawat training at seminar ay sinalihan mo na. Dapat ay okay na ang estado mo! Bakit ganiyan ka pa din?
I feel stuck, walang progress sa kahit ano. At hindi lang sa aspetong ito.
I'm insecure with my friends. Sometimes I don't think that I mean something to them in the same way that they mean something to me. Ako kasi, I treasure people, especially friends, with great value. I don't just throw them out. Feeling ko, ako yung isa sa mga hindi memorable, yung pwede lang iwanan basta-basta at sabihing, "yeah, friend ko siya before". Ayoko ng ganun.
Tapos this thing pa about liking and unliking people. Moving on blah blah blah. How do you move on from something that never existed? Well maybe it just existed in my head.. or in my heart. WHATEVER. I mean, obviously, no one likes me in that way now (or forever). And just to be honest, I seriously think I'm going to be single for a very long time. Or probably I'll meet someone when I'm 40 or 50, when I'm too old to have kids. I don't understand why. Because of this, I feel more insecure.
And why am I so hard headed? Why do I keep on imagining scenarios that will never happen?
I don't feel that important to anyone except my parents.
I don't know what is up with me. People tell me I look happy, okay daw yung aura ko, blah blah blah but honestly, nothing's fine. I guess natural lang sa akin na ngumiti-ngiti, umarteng kinikilig all the time, tumawa ng malakas ng wala namang reason, magmukhang carefree at walang burden. Automatic kasi akong nagsiswitch sa ganung mode once I go out of the house and interact with people. My happy place is when I'm with the people I love, so I don't feel these messy emotions when I'm with them. But my thesis is a mess. My heart is a mess. My schedule is a mess. My priorities are a mess. Everything is messy.
I'm not lost. I'm not confused either. I'm just disturbed with myself. I'm disappointed. I have a lot of questions that probably nobody except God has the answers.
This post is proof of how frustrated I am tonight. What is it with this night? Nakakainis lang basta. Gusto ko umiyak pero wala naman akong i-iiyak. I don't know how to explain myself.
I guess I better sleep this off before things become worse.
I could go on and on right? But I won't because it's useless anyway.
I just got home tonight. Sobrang tagal nung biyahe kasi super traffic sa may skyway. Sabi nila it's because of the buses. I think it's because of the people. Andami talagang tao eh. Nagsisiksikan sa maliit na mundo. Hinahanap ang kanya-kanyang lugar. Ayan tuloy, nag-aagawan ng pwesto.
Facebook's kind of boring lately. I want to delete my account, kaso masyado akong chismosa to do that. Pano na yung mga sinostalk ko?
LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.
I have been alive for almost 20 years but I still have not learned that lesson well. I know I have been blessed with a good life, good people surround me, but I still feel inadequate and incomplete. Haha. This is funny kasi eto usually ang dilemma pag hindi ka okay sa faith mo diba? Hello Bianca. More than 12 years ka sa isang Christian school. Lumaki ka sa church kung saan sinasabi na sapat na si God para sa lahat-lahat ng kelangan mo. Lumaki ka with Christian friends and family. Grade 3 ka pa lang, part ka na ng isang Bible study group. More than 4 disciplers na ang nagtiyaga sayo. Tatlong taon ka na naglilead ng small groups. Bawat training at seminar ay sinalihan mo na. Dapat ay okay na ang estado mo! Bakit ganiyan ka pa din?
I feel stuck, walang progress sa kahit ano. At hindi lang sa aspetong ito.
I'm insecure with my friends. Sometimes I don't think that I mean something to them in the same way that they mean something to me. Ako kasi, I treasure people, especially friends, with great value. I don't just throw them out. Feeling ko, ako yung isa sa mga hindi memorable, yung pwede lang iwanan basta-basta at sabihing, "yeah, friend ko siya before". Ayoko ng ganun.
Tapos this thing pa about liking and unliking people. Moving on blah blah blah. How do you move on from something that never existed? Well maybe it just existed in my head.. or in my heart. WHATEVER. I mean, obviously, no one likes me in that way now (or forever). And just to be honest, I seriously think I'm going to be single for a very long time. Or probably I'll meet someone when I'm 40 or 50, when I'm too old to have kids. I don't understand why. Because of this, I feel more insecure.
And why am I so hard headed? Why do I keep on imagining scenarios that will never happen?
I don't feel that important to anyone except my parents.
I don't know what is up with me. People tell me I look happy, okay daw yung aura ko, blah blah blah but honestly, nothing's fine. I guess natural lang sa akin na ngumiti-ngiti, umarteng kinikilig all the time, tumawa ng malakas ng wala namang reason, magmukhang carefree at walang burden. Automatic kasi akong nagsiswitch sa ganung mode once I go out of the house and interact with people. My happy place is when I'm with the people I love, so I don't feel these messy emotions when I'm with them. But my thesis is a mess. My heart is a mess. My schedule is a mess. My priorities are a mess. Everything is messy.
I'm not lost. I'm not confused either. I'm just disturbed with myself. I'm disappointed. I have a lot of questions that probably nobody except God has the answers.
This post is proof of how frustrated I am tonight. What is it with this night? Nakakainis lang basta. Gusto ko umiyak pero wala naman akong i-iiyak. I don't know how to explain myself.
I guess I better sleep this off before things become worse.
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